Since the birth of the twins, I have received countless emails from many of you who have read my story. Everyone has been so supportive and wonderful and, even though I plan to respond to everyone who has written to me, I thought I would write a postpartum entry here, as well, to answer the questions many of you seem to have. :)
2 weeks, 6 days postpartum - 11/18/98
Have I experienced any postpartum depression?
No, I have not really had any postpartum...just a couple of crying spells (reason unknown...probably just hormones) and some disappointment about how long it has taken me to finally physically heal. My c-section incision became infected, so the healing process took alot longer than I had expected. :( Other than that, I have been fine. Now that I am feeling better physically, things are really looking up!!! There are so many things that I want to catch up on now that I am not pregnant any more...things that I couldn't do before such as taking the kids to Discovery Zone and playing *with* them instead of just watching them play, going dancing, playing my guitar, drinking a cup of coffee or a margarita if I feel the urge, picking up my daughter (boy, have I missed doing that)!!! Gosh, I could go on and on! There is sooooo much catching up to do! :) In short, I am so glad that I did it, but, I am just as glad that it is all over now and life is steadily returning to normal.
Do I have any pangs of regret about letting the babies go?
No, I have had absolutely NO regrets or remorse about letting the babies go. In my mind and in my heart, I *know* that they were never mine to begin with and I didn't give them *up*. I took care of them for a little while and then I gave them *back* to their parents. Those babies are right where they belong. :)
Do I miss the babies?
This may sound cold, but, no...I really *don't* miss the babies. In all honesty, I do not feel any more attached to the twins than I do my friends' children and in actuality, that is what they are...my friends' children. I realize that the concept of carrying a child and not becoming attached to him/her is difficult for some to understand, but, for me, it was really very simple. From the beginning, I knew that:
a) My family is complete. Joey and I do not wish to have any more children of our own.
b) The whole point of becoming a surrogate was to help someone *else* have a child, not to expand my own family. If I had wanted to do that, I wouldn't have bothered with all of the injections and doctor visits. Joey and I are fortunate enough to be able to make babies the old fashioned way. :) But, as I said...we are done!
c) The babies that would result from our IVF attempts are Scott and Bev's own genetic children, not mine. For me, this was very important in developing and maintaining the proper mindset. Because I knew the twins were not my own children, I *never* felt bonded to them. My true bond has always been with Scott and especially Bev.
Will I ever be a surrogate again?
I can't say for sure, but, probably not. Towards the end of the pregnancy when I brought it up, Joey told me that he did not want me to do it again. Looking at it from his perspective, I can definitely understand his reasons. I mean, he really didn't get to experience the rewards (talking to Bev every day and hearing her excitement, seeing Scott and Bev at the dr. visits, etc) like I did. But, he made alot of sacrifices (picking up the slack around the house, little or no sex, esp. towards the end, etc.). Plus, the whole process ended up taking much longer than we had ever anticipated and I think he was just tired of it being such a big part of our lives. I think he is ready for things to go back to normal, for a while...and I feel the same way.
I should mention though, that, in the end, after it was all over, he confided in me that "being in the delivery room...watching Scott and Bev's faces during the birth...it was just great and I am so glad you did it!!!". So, who knows...maybe in a year or two, he might change his mind??? We'll see!
In the mean time, I plan to stay involved in surrogacy. I created and maintain Surrogate Mothers Online, which keeps me very busy and provides a way for me to keep up with surrogacy without being directly involved at this time.
Last, but, certainly not least, how are Scott, Bev, and the babies?
They are doing great! Little Madeline went home yesterday and Scott will be following in her footsteps just as soon as he gets the hang of drinking from a bottle. Shouldn't be long now! I know it is difficult for them having Madeline at home, while Scott is still in the hospital (4 hours away), but, at least it is only temporary. Hopefully, they will all be back home by Thanksgiving!
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