TS and birth

[JamesandAmanda]

I need to ask some input about how you felt at birth. I ask about TS because there is a biological link.

Jess has asked us to stay a week or so after the baby is born to have that time. She has no idea how she will feel. She did research here and I do not know what she read but said she saw that most TS wished they had more time with their surro baby. So she asked if we minded staying longer when baby left the hospital.

We gladly said we would stay a little longer. Heck it gave us more time with her as well.

Do any of you have any advise for her and or us on what to expect after delivery and how we can make her feel comfortable and at ease?

[norma]

I wish I knew! I'll be watching for other answers!!

[JamesandAmanda]

Originally Posted by norma

I wish I knew! I'll be watching for other answers!!

[Starfish]

My IF's stayed about a week both times. It was SO good, especially this last time when they had NO worries that I would change my mind. I got so much baby time and not to speak of my kids getting their time. It would have been so sad for them had the baby just been taken away. I think that in many situations, staying for a while is very healthy for all parties. Everyone gets their closure time.

For me, the best thing was when I was simply allowed to love on the babies, feed them, change them, have them sleep on my chest. And for my IFs to simply allow me this, to give me time and space. As I said, this was best the second time. They didn't hover, they left the kids with me and went out to lunch etc. Having them make me feel valuable enough to take care of their baby on the outside too, was good.

It was sad when they left, but only for a couple of days. I think it made my baby blues time shorter and healthier.

So yes, staying some days is wonderful and respectful and simply so good in so many ways.

[butterflidrm]

Honestly, for me, I didn't need any more "special time" with Wyatt than I did with my neice when I attended her birth. I felt like just an attendee, not a parent and although I enjoyed holding and seeing him, and I missed them when they left there was no longing there at all for me. The day they left, I attended a Mardi Gras (no alcohol or anything of course) party at my friend's house. It was just as if they had come to visit, and had to go home. I was only minimally sad. It's 'normal' for surros GS and TS alike to have a whole gamut of emotions. It's great that you're planning to stay a while to give your TS time to say hello and Goodbye. Just because I didn't need it doesn't mean others don't. I place zero value on genetics though so I'm likely the minority. A child is born into the heart, and I firmly believe the eggs used for my TS journey's were always meant to be the children of their parents, never mine to begin with. I had a whole nine months to introduce myself, and a few minutes right before they loaded up to go was enough "Goodbye" for me.

*forgot to mention they only stayed until hospital discharge day, a total of three days from Labor to Leaving.

[Starfish]

For me, the biggest reason for wanting time, was my kids. I think they needed more closuretime than me. For months they have been watching the belly grow, waiting. And for then to have baby just leave? Sorry if I offend anyone, but for me that boarders on cruelty. My youngest was almost 3 and 4 when babies were born and especially this last time she was in major babymode. It was so good for her to be able to experience bonding too and get to know the baby. She speaks about them often and she is clearly very interested in it all. And how could she have been able to process it all had there been no baby there to cuddle and get to know?

We did speak of this before pregnancy and I explaned my view. Luckily they understood and respected my view and it all worked out great.

[Jess3]

I agree with what Renate just stated. This is just as much a transition for the SM´s kids. They have been around the belly for 9 months and then ... nothing? No, to me it is important that my kids get the chance to say a proper hello and a proper goodbye, before we get on with our life.

[Newtothis]

My Ip's stayed for a week after Gabe was born. I enjoyed being able to help care for him and watch them as a family. My IM told me right after the delivery that this way my week and they wanted me to have as much time with him as I could. It didn't make me bond with him more in a maternal way, just made me love him more as a person. It also bonded the four of us as well. I agree with the PP's that it was also about my kids. My youngest didn't really understand, but my older two asked my Ip's if this way their brother. My IP's were great and told them that yes, this was their brother and that that was great news because now we were all family. The kids loved that because they loved them. It was a beuatiful week, one that I will never forget. I think it would have been harded had they left right away and now allowed me to make that transition. It worked out perfect for us.

[musky]

Hmmmm, I actually feel relieved it is over!! And I am not saying that in a bad way. I loved carrying all of my TS babies. And after they are born, I love to snuggle and sniff them. But other than that, I am ready to get out of the hospital and move on with my life. At least until I do another surrogacy!!

[Starfish]

But I never was in the hospital.

[butterflidrm]

Originally Posted by Starfish

For me, the biggest reason for wanting time, was my kids. I think they needed more closuretime than me. For months they have been watching the belly grow, waiting. And for then to have baby just leave? Sorry if I offend anyone, but for me that boarders on cruelty. My youngest was almost 3 and 4 when babies were born and especially this last time she was in major babymode. It was so good for her to be able to experience bonding too and get to know the baby. She speaks about them often and she is clearly very interested in it all. And how could she have been able to process it all had there been no baby there to cuddle and get to know?

We did speak of this before pregnancy and I explaned my view. Luckily they understood and respected my view and it all worked out great.

My son is mildly autistic, and really didn't care at all about the baby. My daughter, was barely two and thought she liked seeing Wyatt in the hospital, we always talked about how he was Aunt Lori's baby and she was fine letting him go home with his mommy. I think it's a very personal thing, and different for each relationship. for me, ane my family it was no big deal at all. No tears, no sadness, just "Okay time to go. We'll see you next time!"

[Starfish]

Of course it's personal and everyone has their reasons. I am not judging anyone, as I said my opinions are for me. It would be cruel to my children just to let the baby vanish into thin air with his/her parents, especially with my youngest. But she is a mother already, she only plays with her dolls or roleplay where a baby is involved somewhere. She is hugely occupied with babies, her own (dolls) or live ones. I've seen this all along and therefor, for us, this was needed, more for her than for me.

The reason I am mentioning this is that I don't often see surrogates list their children as a reason for needing time for closure. For me that is the biggest reason, although I am very happy to have gotten it myself as well.

[ShannonM1976]

Last time my girls were younger so they didn't understand much of what was going on. My FIPs stopped at my house on the way home from the hospital. The girls saw M, talked to him, then went running off to play with T. My oldest was/is very attached to her older brother T. So she talks about him far more than she does surrobaby. The next time hasn't happened yet. Not sure how they will all react or what they will want.

[JamesandAmanda]

Originally Posted by Starfish

For me, the biggest reason for wanting time, was my kids. I think they needed more closuretime than me. For months they have been watching the belly grow, waiting. And for then to have baby just leave? Sorry if I offend anyone, but for me that boarders on cruelty. My youngest was almost 3 and 4 when babies were born and especially this last time she was in major babymode. It was so good for her to be able to experience bonding too and get to know the baby. She speaks about them often and she is clearly very interested in it all. And how could she have been able to process it all had there been no baby there to cuddle and get to know?

We did speak of this before pregnancy and I explaned my view. Luckily they understood and respected my view and it all worked out great.

She has 2 boys and they are about that age.

I don't think any one person is right or wrong. It is all about what everyone feels comfy with. I just want to make sure we do what we can to help ease her emotionally after birth. And her chidlren also. They are at ages that they wont completely understand. I will keep looking. I am linking her to this thread I actually started it for her and for me to learn also.

[CaliTS]

Each person is going to feel differently about this. I think its great that you are all playing it by ear. You never know what feelings may arise after birth.

My 1st TS IPs live close. So, we have a very close relationship with them. So, after I had her, its just been normal to see them. After her birth, I felt emotionally fine. No issues.

My 2nd TS, my IPs stayed here until the day after they discharged him. We went and had breakfast together. It was nice until it was time for them to go. Millie and I both cried. I had a hard time after C's birth. I think it had a lot to do with the distance. I knew eventually they would be leaving, and I don't know when I would see him again. That to me has been the hardest part. I like just being able to say "hey, lets have lunch." And, jump in the car. It's not that way with C, they are too far away. I don't get to see him grow in real time. KWIM? I get tons of pics, but something about seeing them in person, soothes the soul. They were within driving distance for a couple of months after the birth. We were able to get together a few times.



I completely agree about letting the children have their time also. My DD is 9 now, and very aware that these babies are her brother/sister. It has never been a secret to her. We are all very open about it. So, she needs to have her time to take it all in also.

[Leanne1972]

Originally Posted by Starfish

Of course it's personal and everyone has their reasons. I am not judging anyone, as I said my opinions are for me. It would be cruel to my children just to let the baby vanish into thin air with his/her parents, especially with my youngest. But she is a mother already, she only plays with her dolls or roleplay where a baby is involved somewhere. She is hugely occupied with babies, her own (dolls) or live ones. I've seen this all along and therefor, for us, this was needed, more for her than for me.

The reason I am mentioning this is that I don't often see surrogates list their children as a reason for needing time for closure. For me that is the biggest reason, although I am very happy to have gotten it myself as well.

I agree with this 100%. My birth parent counsellor made sure we stayed an extra night at the hospital solely for my dd7's adjustment. I am thankful my IPS understood that my children were a daily part of the surrogacy and needed time with the baby as well.

To the OP, I think it is wonderful that you are thinking about how to make the transition go well for you TS. You have no idea how much of a difference this can make for the post-pardum experience. My IPS were in touch with me a lot, even daily, which is a lot when taking care of a newborn. I really believe that made the world of difference for me. I am very blessed and I know that. Thank you on behalf of all Traditional Surrogates.

[evandmp]

Originally Posted by Starfish

The reason I am mentioning this is that I don't often see surrogates list their children as a reason for needing time for closure. For me that is the biggest reason, although I am very happy to have gotten it myself as well.

I agree with you. When you have kids you have to be extra sensitive to their feelings as well since they can't always express their needs.

What made me feel comfortable was that there was no awkwardness. We all remained ourselves and it was all normal somehow. What helped me when they left was that they sent me a bunch of pics the first couple of days. Seeing how happy they were had me feeling great a couple days later. Of course everyone is different so just keep the communication open as that's the most important thing.

[roadfamily6now]

Originally Posted by musky

Hmmmm, I actually feel relieved it is over!! And I am not saying that in a bad way. I loved carrying all of my TS babies. And after they are born, I love to snuggle and sniff them. But other than that, I am ready to get out of the hospital and move on with my life. At least until I do another surrogacy!!

This is true for my first one. I was ready!!! I had spent enough time. We left the moment I was discharged.

Originally Posted by Starfish

But I never was in the hospital.

This is true for my 2nd TS. I had a homebirth. My IF's also stayed for 4 weeks before going home. They were in a hotel/condo so not at my house. They did come over every other day and we did many tourist stuff while they were here. It was fantstic!

With my 3rd TS, I was away from home (same as TSx1) and I was ready to go home.

Hmmmm..... very interesting how I was I, when away from home that was most eager to return, and yet, when I was in my home, I was very comfortable with the IF's being there for as long as they wanted.

Makes me wonder how the IP's feel about all that

[alissasmom]

I almost couldn't wait for my fips to arrive and meet the girls.
They were stuck in chicago in rush hour traffic as I delivered.
They came flying into my recovery room & I sent them flying out to
meet their daughters. I was being taken care of but not with the girls
and I wanted them to get together as fast as they could.
I enjoyed my time with the family period. Their friends visited as well
as my fims mother- I can't tell you how much joy I had seeing everyone
meet the twins for the first time. They left the hospital 48 hrs after birth
I stayed one extra day due to a sore throat. I had the pleasure of watching
mommy handling both babies the first nite doing a fine job if I say so
myself! The second nite they went to the nursery as my fips stayed
at their friends close to the hospital! I did get to see the girls and
talk to them- I had no bad feelings or regret which our hospital didn't
understand as we were the first surrogacy they had experienced.
I hope your experience is the great one we had-heck my fim and I
even played at fighting just for the enjoyment of the nursing staff!
feel free anytime you or your TS to write if you'd like to chat at the end
and best of luck to you along the way!!

[butterflidrm]

Originally Posted by Starfish

Of course it's personal and everyone has their reasons. I am not judging anyone, as I said my opinions are for me. It would be cruel to my children just to let the baby vanish into thin air with his/her parents, especially with my youngest. But she is a mother already, she only plays with her dolls or roleplay where a baby is involved somewhere. She is hugely occupied with babies, her own (dolls) or live ones. I've seen this all along and therefor, for us, this was needed, more for her than for me.

The reason I am mentioning this is that I don't often see surrogates list their children as a reason for needing time for closure. For me that is the biggest reason, although I am very happy to have gotten it myself as well.

No worries Renate, no offense taken here. That is soo sweet that your daughter is such a natural mommy. Guess you can expect lots of grandbabies from that one! She may even be a surro herself one day.. what a great legacy to pass along!