Possible beware??

[Just Clueless]

I think I have a 'beware' type situation but I'm not sure. Something seemed quite off about the whole thing and I'd like to share and get input or just to warn others. If I'm not being hypersensitive.

Is there some place to look for guidelines on what can be posted here?

[kanbangirl]

You can type pretty much anything here. (Minus name calling and the f word ) It would have to be verified by Shannon to have it go into the beware section.

[Just Clueless]

You can type pretty much anything here. (Minus name calling and the f word ) It would have to be verified by Shannon to have it go into the beware section.

Just to clarify-do I need to email Shannon the info or post it here and it's reviewed before being posted to the subforum? or something else?

[kanbangirl]

You can post it here. The moderators are still reviewing your posts anyway.

In order to make it a "sticky" and keep it in the forum, Shannon may ask you for proof and decide if it is forum worthy.

Even if it isn't something that should be in the beware section, posting it here may save someone else from some craziness. There may also be other members with experience with this particular person.

[RobsChica]

I know there are a LOT of them, but if you see the same situation referenced in another Beware thread, bump it w/ your post so we can see what history there may already be w/ this person/situation.
While we may still be horrified most of us are no longer shocked at what pops up in some folks' minds when it comes to surrogacy and the tangential ideas surrounding it, up to and including sex and baby-selling.

[Just Clueless]

I know there are a LOT of them, but if you see the same situation referenced in another Beware thread, bump it w/ your post so we can see what history there may already be w/ this person/situation.
While we may still be horrified most of us are no longer shocked at what pops up in some folks' minds when it comes to surrogacy and the tangential ideas surrounding it, up to and including sex and baby-selling.

I didn't see the same situation in any other thread so I'll lay it out here. Overall, the main concern/flag I had was that it seemed they were tailoring their responses to mimic me in some way without providing any info on themselves.

I was contacted by someone who states they're a couple out of OH seeking a TS and wanting to start 'as soon as possible'. My email reply asked for more info about the couple. Their reply was an email saying they were married, in Youngstown OH, repeating they were looking for a TS and asking if I was in med school, had ins, asking about comp and that I could ask them any questions I wanted.

Ok. That really didn't tell me any more info about them than the initial email but thought maybe they just weren't sure what to say.

So I asked about their ages, how long they'd been married, what led to them looking for a surrogate/how long they'd been considering it and if they had kids already. I also gave a more in-depth glimpse into me and my background.

I got a response that said he was a physician, his wife was a pediatrician who had quit to take care of their daughter who was now entering college (in August). The writer stated he had a good support system, spoke of his father being in good health, helping to raise his brother's triplets, accepted my comp as being on the low side and being happy to pay it knowing I wasn't doing it for the money, and offering an open contact relationship on delivery so I could be involved in the child's life, even visiting or getting the child for vacations. What???!! Oddly enough, the other red flag in this email was wrt a university he referenced in my general area. When he said he was a physician and had been at xyz university not long ago, he got the name wrong.

The proposed contact was a huge flag but I thought maybe I'm being paranoid or something. Let me try one more time to get some kind of info on this family. The author keeps referencing himself with little info on what his wife wants. Much less any real info on my questions.

Rephrasing a previous question I asked why they were looking into surrogacy, especially now with a child headed to college? How are they hoping to proceed wrt to insemination, what kind of parenting style do they have?

The response was brief. He had been thinking about it for many years and just recently started a serious search. This reply said he was driving and would write more later.

The next email said

Parenting style, well our daughter has been a 4.0 student, home insems are easy but this will be up to you.

I didn't reply to either of these two emails because I felt surely there was more info coming.

No. The next email asked if I had received his emails.

My response:

Hi. I did get your emails but thought there might be more coming as neither of the last replies really gave me any insight into you, your wife, or your motivation for doing this. You speak a lot of you, singular, wanting to do this without much talk of your wife or her desire to have additional children.

I have no idea how old you all are or how long you've been married as neither of those questions were answered. And your daughter having a 4.0 gpa doesn't tell me anything about your parenting style. The replies I'm getting are quite ambiguous.

That being said, I'm going to politely decline any consideration to move forward with you all.

Thank you for your interest!

Followed by two responses from him:

Really! You are advertising your service to make money, is there a contest an IP has to win to prove to you , parenting skills!
Good luck with your search and I hope if some body sends you a lengthy text from a parenting book( copy .. Paste)
That will satisfy your psychotic delusional mind.

My own fault to reply to a childless , middle aged, high risk woman

I'm not sure if the person's name is in the email or not. The address was jed636@hotmail.com

I have no idea what to think of this except I went further in correspondence that I should have, hoping to to get SOME info out of this person to make a decision.

Thoughts?

[RobsChica]

Not Beware-worthy to piss each other off in emails, IMHO. He didn't like your tone evidently, and it went downhill from there. Do you think he isn't who he says he is, is that your worry?
As for the after-journey contact, many surros (TS and GS) are close w/ the families they carried for and spend holidays, vacations, etc with them. If that's not the level of contact you want, be clear in either your ad or your first email reply. It's an item to be discussed and agreed on before the journey, not a red flag.
I strongly encourage you to read every thread on this board. I know it's an awful lot to do but many have found the thing they KNEW would never happen to them happens to them and it's covered somewhere on this board. Seeing everyone else's experiences, good and bad will only prepare you.

[Just Clueless]

Not Beware-worthy to piss each other off in emails, IMHO. He didn't like your tone evidently, and it went downhill from there. Do you think he isn't who he says he is, is that your worry?
As for the after-journey contact, many surros (TS and GS) are close w/ the families they carried for and spend holidays, vacations, etc with them. If that's not the level of contact you want, be clear in either your ad or your first email reply. It's an item to be discussed and agreed on before the journey, not a red flag.
I strongly encourage you to read every thread on this board. I know it's an awful lot to do but many have found the thing they KNEW would never happen to them happens to them and it's covered somewhere on this board. Seeing everyone else's experiences, good and bad will only prepare you.

I felt like I never got a single straight answer to any question which lead me to think something was amiss. Until my final email to him, there was nothing I thought that might be taken in a manner to piss someone off. Even with the final email, I was trying to explain why I was declining additional contact. Not trying to p.o the recipient. If there's a better way of handling it, I'd appreciate it.

I get being allowed to visit the IPs and child(ren). That wasn't the part that gave me pause. It was the offer to have the surromom get the kid for vacations-that's not something I've run across on here. I've done a lot of reading but know I haven't read everything or found every possible situation that can arise. Maybe it happens.

[TNsurro]

Not Beware-worthy to piss each other off in emails, IMHO. He didn't like your tone evidently, and it went downhill from there. Do you think he isn't who he says he is, is that your worry?
As for the after-journey contact, many surros (TS and GS) are close w/ the families they carried for and spend holidays, vacations, etc with them. If that's not the level of contact you want, be clear in either your ad or your first email reply. It's an item to be discussed and agreed on before the journey, not a red flag.
I strongly encourage you to read every thread on this board. I know it's an awful lot to do but many have found the thing they KNEW would never happen to them happens to them and it's covered somewhere on this board. Seeing everyone else's experiences, good and bad will only prepare you.

This is very very good advice! I am very thankful for this section because it made me MUCH more sensitive to phrasing and subjects that were scam-worthy. VERY good idea to read this section!

[surrolena]

I've seen surrogates have the children they carried come and visit them, I think it's sweet.

I think you and the person were not a good match in personality nor important things, but I don't think that warrants a beware unless you have proof of something shady going on. I spoke with people who had very different ideas on things than mean and made me go "huh?" but that is why we stress on here that there is a right match for everyone and don't compromise who you are or what you want. You just found someone who you aren't a right match for.

[RobsChica]

I felt like I never got a single straight answer to any question which lead me to think something was amiss. Until my final email to him, there was nothing I thought that might be taken in a manner to piss someone off. Even with the final email, I was trying to explain why I was declining additional contact. Not trying to p.o the recipient. If there's a better way of handling it, I'd appreciate it.

I get being allowed to visit the IPs and child(ren). That wasn't the part that gave me pause. It was the offer to have the surromom get the kid for vacations-that's not something I've run across on here. I've done a lot of reading but know I haven't read everything or found every possible situation that can arise. Maybe it happens.

Email is a great tool for informing but to learn how people mean what they say from inflection and tone, you need to speak to each other. If you're nervous to hand out your phone # Google Phone is a great tool for you to call them anonymously. As for ending contact, you don't have to give a detailed explanation aside from, "It looks to me like we're not a match. Good luck to you in your continued search." When you're only in the matching phase (no contracts exchanged or money expended IMO) neither party owes the other more than that, hurtful as it sounds and can feel at the time. No lengthy comparison/explanation that could only serve to prolong the pain or force a match that isn't a good one. There are ladies here who can tell you how badly a forced match can turn out.

[surrolena]

Email is a great tool for informing but to learn how people mean what they say from inflection and tone, you need to speak to each other. If you're nervous to hand out your phone # Google Phone is a great tool for you to call them anonymously. As for ending contact, you don't have to give a detailed explanation aside from, "It looks to me like we're not a match. Good luck to you in your continued search." When you're only in the matching phase (no contracts exchanged or money expended) neither party owes the other more than that, hurtful as it sounds and can feel at the time. No lengthy comparison/explanation that could only serve to prolong the pain or force a match that isn't a good one. There are ladies here who can tell you how badly a forced match can turn out.

I agree. I'm sure it is already painful enough for the IPs who find themselves here needing to find a surrogate, telling them what is "wrong" with them in your eyes isn't going to help much. Next time just simply say "sorry, I don't think we are a match" and move on.

[cousinmommy]

It does seem like he avoided answering some specific questions. I don't think it's "beware" worthy though. If you'd got something more concrete than being a bit elusive about a couple things and then a snotty e-mail reply at the end it might be.

You have every right to have certain criteria that you're comfortable with before moving forward. IPs have criteria too. If this IP was serious I'm sure they have their own. THen again they might just want to jump into TS with the first one that is willing to go along with whatever. Maybe the "advertise" comment says something about how they view surrogacy. IF you're willing to do it and receive comp then you must just be a piece of meat for sale. IDK.

[Just Clueless]

As for ending contact, you don't have to give a detailed explanation aside from, "It looks to me like we're not a match. Good luck to you in your continued search."

I agree. I'm sure it is already painful enough for the IPs who find themselves here needing to find a surrogate, telling them what is "wrong" with them in your eyes isn't going to help much. Next time just simply say "sorry, I don't think we are a match" and move on.

Thanks, y'all. That helps a lot!

[Newtothis]

I don't think it is beware worthy. I think rather, you two were not a good match. Some people take longer to open up and/or aren't great at expressing why they want something. Someone that is already on edge may have felt attacked by your response and responded to you. He was inappropriate in how he handled it and letting himself get so defensive, but I don't think it is beware worthy. It happens.

[RobsChica]

You'll run into this more when looking for IP's than surros but keep an ear out for someone whose writing shows that English is their second language. Communication w/ them may be more involved as you make sure both sides are being understood accurately.

[jlm4]

Personally, I think he sounds creepy.

[4rugrats]

Personally, I think he sounds creepy.

I totally agree! I would NOT want to match with an IP who showed a fellow surrogate such disrespect.

[PresoGesto]

Personally, I think he sounds creepy.

I agree. I didnt get the greatest vibe from him.

[Amaraine]

Personally, I think he sounds creepy.

I agree with this. I would have been put off by his evasiveness, too. Not worth a beware IMO, but definitely worth a big ol' WTH?