Surro's, if you had perfect journeys....

[momto5]

My first IF was more than willing to talk to my current IF. My current IF asked but said he understood if my FIF wanted to keep our journey and relationship private. We also used the same RE who gave me a good reference as well.

Interesting! I never thought of the RE. He absolutely knows how the journey went/turned out. Thanks for adding another option.

[Newtothis]

All three sets of my IP's were fine speaking to each other and giving references. I understand wanting privacy, but sending an email or having a quick phone conversation doesn't haven't to disclose identity or personal information. Really what the new IP's are wanting is reference information for the surro not necessarily personal info from the FIP's.

[amylynn]

I haven't had problems with any of my IP's but I know my 2nd set of IP's would not talk to any potential IP's because they even cut contact with me due to the fact they never want their daughter to know how she was born.
Now the other 3 sets would be glad to talk to any potential IP's. SO just because IP's won't talk to potential IP's doesn't mean that something went wrong.

[Newtothis]

I haven't had problems with any of my IP's but I know my 2nd set of IP's would not talk to any potential IP's because they even cut contact with me due to the fact they never want their daughter to know how she was born.
Now the other 3 sets would be glad to talk to any potential IP's. SO just because IP's won't talk to potential IP's doesn't mean that something went wrong.

Not to play devils advocate because what they do is their business and correct me if I am wrong, but isn't not wanting their daughter to know how she was born and cutting you out a bit "going wrong?".

[cousinmommy]

Interesting! I never thought of the RE. He absolutely knows how the journey went/turned out. Thanks for adding another option.

He would know if it was successful as in pregnancy achieved and how the pregnancy went if updated beyond when the surro was released. The RE wouldn't know how the relationship went unless someone told him.

I haven't had problems with any of my IP's but I know my 2nd set of IP's would not talk to any potential IP's because they even cut contact with me due to the fact they never want their daughter to know how she was born.
Now the other 3 sets would be glad to talk to any potential IP's. SO just because IP's won't talk to potential IP's doesn't mean that something went wrong.

Not to play devils advocate because what they do is their business and correct me if I am wrong, but isn't not wanting their daughter to know how she was born and cutting you out a bit "going wrong?".

I agree Amanda. The only way I don't see that as something going wrong is if it was a business relationship to start with and that's what was expected. If that's the case then it did go as planned. The words I bolded make it sound like that wasn't the plan.

[sillymommy]

I don't feel comfortable with asking my fip's to speak to new IP's. I just don't want to for many reasons. Of course my IP's would do nothing but give me good reviews but it is just uncomfortable for everyone. I almost feel like asking for a letter of recommendation is way too buisness like, gosh I wasn't their house keeper.

The biggest reason I won't ask them is because I don't do on journey after another. It took me 4 years to decide I wanted to be a surrogate again. So I don't want a new set of IP's calling the former IP's after so much time has gone by. We have all gone on with our lives.

On the other hand, I wouldn't mind giving my medical records to my IP's and I would also give the records for the re's that I worked with. This would show that I can follow instructions and deliver healthy babies. Also people change over time, I could have turned into a complete nut job in the 6 years sense my first surrogacy.

If this makes me look bad then oh well, I'm not your surrogate.

I am also a private person and to be perfectly honest I don't want to tell my former IP's when I am persuing a surrogacy. I guess I could have gotten a letter before my IP's left town, but again, awkward. Here's your baby, by the way, can I get a letter of recommendation? Awkward..

[TxMom]

Does it ever go the other way? Has anyone ever asked for a reference for their IP(s)? Maybe they worked with another surrogate in the past. As surrogates we have to prove ourselves in a way but it can be equally nerve wracking making sure the IP(s) you chose are good people as well.

[momto5]

I haven't had problems with any of my IP's but I know my 2nd set of IP's would not talk to any potential IP's because they even cut contact with me due to the fact they never want their daughter to know how she was born.
Now the other 3 sets would be glad to talk to any potential IP's. SO just because IP's won't talk to potential IP's doesn't mean that something went wrong.

I read into this a few ways. My first would be an initial reaction. Wow, that couldn't have been a good journey if they could cut contact and do that to their daughter!
Second, perhaps they cut contact after an internal struggle with not knowing how to handle telling their daughter. Feels safer to keep you FAR away so as not to have that constantly on their mind. (This isn't to say that I think this is right or wrong) I do see how someone could have a fine journey but later learn that they just weren't ready for the "after". Do we always know how we will react to something till we actually experience it? I think we try to predict or do our best to go in a direction but sometimes get derailed.
Third, maybe there is a cultural/religious reason for going this direction.
The sad part is if you were unaware that it would be this way.

He would know if it was successful as in pregnancy achieved and how the pregnancy went if updated beyond when the surro was released. The RE wouldn't know how the relationship went unless someone told him.

He is aware of how it went. Before, during, after. I just thought that could be an option. I would be able to keep it out of that personal space for my FIP's.

Does it ever go the other way? Has anyone ever asked for a reference for their IP(s)? Maybe they worked with another surrogate in the past. As surrogates we have to prove ourselves in a way but it can be equally nerve wracking making sure the IP(s) you chose are good people as well.

I was given the opportunity to speak with someone and would still love to talk to this person.
No doubt that I would think surro/IP's were not telling me something if I had asked for references from a previous surro/IP (and I was told it was a great journey) but they weren't willing to speak with me. However, if I have learned anything thing from SMO, it's that nothing is black and white, what works for one isn't always best for all, AND I really should use spell check more often.

[momto5]

I don't feel comfortable with asking my fip's to speak to new IP's. I just don't want to for many reasons. Of course my IP's would do nothing but give me good reviews but it is just uncomfortable for everyone. I almost feel like asking for a letter of recommendation is way too buisness like, gosh I wasn't their house keeper.

The biggest reason I won't ask them is because I don't do on journey after another. It took me 4 years to decide I wanted to be a surrogate again. So I don't want a new set of IP's calling the former IP's after so much time has gone by. We have all gone on with our lives.

On the other hand, I wouldn't mind giving my medical records to my IP's and I would also give the records for the re's that I worked with. This would show that I can follow instructions and deliver healthy babies. Also people change over time, I could have turned into a complete nut job in the 6 years sense my first surrogacy.

If this makes me look bad then oh well, I'm not your surrogate.

I am also a private person and to be perfectly honest I don't want to tell my former IP's when I am persuing a surrogacy. I guess I could have gotten a letter before my IP's left town, but again, awkward. Here's your baby, by the way, can I get a letter of recommendation? Awkward..

Thanks for your perspective.

[Serendipity]

I almost feel like asking for a letter of recommendation is way too buisness like, gosh I wasn't their house keeper.

But you were the most important babysitter they'll ever have.

Does it ever go the other way? Has anyone ever asked for a reference for their IP(s)? Maybe they worked with another surrogate in the past. As surrogates we have to prove ourselves in a way but it can be equally nerve wracking making sure the IP(s) you chose are good people as well.

Absolutely. I would want to talk to a previous surrogate. I have very flexible expectations from an IP relationship but there are some things (controlling behavior, aggression) that I could not tolerate. I also think that relationships gone bad are a red flag-- I acknowledge that sometimes it really is one-sided, but I think it often takes two to tango. I do not like conflict or drama in my personal life, so I would pay attention if the previous relationship had suffered from that.

My current IPs did have a previous surrogate and we did talk. She adores them and wishes them the best-- I can't ask for a better recommendation than that.

[amylynn]

To answer all of you ladies...it was a good journey and no I had no idea I was going to be cut out and they were never going to tell their daughter about me. They kept in touch for a year and then one day when I emailed I got a reply from them stating they had always intended to cut contact with me but thanks for having a baby for them. I had no control over their choice and yes I was sad but it was no fault of my own.