Trying so hard to get excited!

[AwaitingBaby]

My DH and I have recently been through a late miscarriage of our son through surrogacy. He was actually supposed to be born this week, April 27. So needless to say, this week has been particularly difficult.

Now on the positive note, we have matched with another GC. She is so sweet and just a real gem. LOVE HER! You can hear her excitement through her emails and text messages. We are tentatively transferring mid to late June. I'm trying soooo hard to get excited, but I am so terrified of being hurt again. I don't want to talk about this journey with anyone in fear of jinxing it. I don't want to allow myself to feel. It's not intentional, more of a survival mechanism. Has anyone ever felt this way? How do I overcome it? It actually took me weeks to post this message here. I finally built up the courage. I want to feel that excitement all over again and enjoy this journey, rather than live each day worrying!

[DKmamato3]

Laura ... so sorry about your previous loss - I can imagine how difficult this week must be for you. Big hugs!

On the upside .. it seems that you have found a new wonderful GS to help you on your path to parenthood. I wish you all the best of luck in your new journey.

While the sadness of loosing your sweet angel may linger on, I do hope the excitement of all the future will hold for you will put a smile on your heart.

Best wishes.

[gestjenn]

Laura, I totally feel your pain and relate.

In late 2010 I lost my own son at 34w4d. He was stillborn without cause. I decided to do another surrogacy and I have amazing IFs who knew it would be a struggle for me.

Every day is a step ahead for me and a healing process. I can guarantee there will be days of pure joy and days of pure dread. Dates that were significant in your pregnancy with Gabriel will hit you hard... and once you pass them you'll breath a sigh of relief.

For me, my strength and comfort have grown through this pregnancy. Last week was really hard - the equivalent week of losing Colton. I made it through though and feel so much more comfortable and confident. And I feel like it's helped me heal a lot.

I would be honest with your GS and share your feelings with her. Be an open book and let her know how you're feeling. Let her share with you to help you heal. It's a challenging journey, however I promise it's worth it.

I am happy to be here to talk to if you need someone to lean on. It's quite a journey of the soul and faith... My email is momma5366 @ yahoo.com (no spaces of course).

You've made the first step!! I can't wait to follow your journey!

[lovestodance]

My IPs and I are on our 3rd try. We have had an early miscarriage and a miscarriage after heartbeat confirmation. I am so nervous and scared for this next transfer. I can't even imagine how they are feeling. I am not sure what their strategy will be but, I have decided to, "fake it til I make it." My thought process is that if I can go through the motions of excitement and squelch the fear then the excitement will eventually win out. We are hopefully in June too. There seem to be a lot of wonderful women in June who have been through the ringer so maybe we can be a good support system for each other.

[wbwatts]

you actually sound a lot like my former IPs. if you listen to NPR you can check out their website w/our story or you can read my blog as well...good things happen and will happen. my IM knows that now...good luck!

[Denise K.]

I am sorry about all you have endured, and I am so thrilled you have found a new surrogate and get to start soon. Beautiful things are ahead, hang on sweetie! I wish you and my IM could talk as she has been where you are but I must tell you...she is smiling every minute of the day now with a baby boy and girl to love and hold! Not a day goes by when I do not think of how hard it must have been for my IM and her former surrogate, and I wish I could take away their pain. I look forward to hearing all about your new journey..hugs. Like the above post you can read my blog two with more on the story the link is below in my siggy.

[hlince]

I am so sorry for you loss! I think everyone copes in different ways and if it helps not to share this journey then that is ok!

I am a 4th time GC and my current IP's live in New York, NY. We just had a chemical pregnancy last week. It was super tough on my IM as she has lost 4 babies of her own due to a immune issue that was just diagnosed. Hoping that this next transfer will work but from the GC and my IM's position the worry will always be there.

My 1st IM lost her 2nd son around 24 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and when I carried for her (her 1st surrogacy experience) until I passed that point she wasn't relaxed and even after that I don't know if she truly relaxed and thought all would be ok.

My current IM has found it very helpful to talk and chat with other people that have or are going through what she has been through. It has been therapeutic for her. Maybe that might be an option...

Again so sorry for you loss, but there will be a happy ending to your journey!

[2daughters]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It does sound like you have made a wonderful match. I agree with the PP "fake it until you make it". I am sure you are experiencing a ton of emotions and right now it sounds like fear is winning out, but I have no doubt that once your journey really gets going you will become excited again. I look forward to reading more about your journey!!

[twinkiesmom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This week must be especially painful ...

I'm sure it took a lot of strength to write this message and to put how you are feeling into words. I think many of us IMs have similar self-defense mechanisms, not allowing ourselves to get excited about a possibility b/c it may not become reality.

I would be honest with your GS and share your feelings with her. Be an open book and let her know how you're feeling. Let her share with you to help you heal.

This is the piece of advice that felt right to me. I can only "fake it 'til I make it" for a short period of time.

I think your future GS would appreciate your honesty about these feelings b/c she wants to share the journey w/ you. Those who have trouble dealing w/ an IM's painful emotions often choose to help IF-only couples instead. You & your future GS may even want to agree on a signal that lets you tell her when you are shutting down emotionally ... something like a brief message: "crawling into my cave now" or "overwhelmed".

Be kind to yourself. You are taking the first step on a tremendous journey!

[SarahNC]

I think your feelings are completely normal. With my IPs, they had numerous early losses, and were so afraid of the other shoe dropping that they didn't tell anyone except for immediate family that we are even pregnant...until after our 19 week u/s...and then that was only extended family. They finally felt like they could tell their friends at 20 weeks.

Don't feel bad for being cautious with your feelings...your GC surely understands what you've been through and knows that you want the baby to come more than anything and that the excitement WILL come.

(((hugs)))

[surrolena]

My IM has lost babies in the past, including one in the 2nd trimester due to PPROM following a CVS. I told her that we are a team and the best way to work together is to be honest with one another. I think we've done that pretty darn well and I have to say it's a good thing considering everything that has come up along the way. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings, I know I would rather my IM be real than to try to not upset me (or whatever other reason an IM might have for trying to keep it all in). For example I don't take it personally when she double-checks that I'm doing something I should (or not doing something I shouldn't) because I know that she has worries that transfer over from her own high-risk situations. If she wasn't honest I might not have understood (although I hope I would have anyway).

Good luck.

[kristen88]

We also lost a little boy (via GS) in the second trimester and now have a 4 month old daughter (also via GS...in addition to the son I carried). Those anniversary dates are hard, especially the first ones. I did the March of Dimes Walk last year and that was a turning point in my healing. I hope you can find some sort of positive thing to associate his memory/date with...it helps.

Message me if you want to chat...sunnynm3 at yahoo dot com

[ss23]

i think it is completely healthy (although it doesn't feel very good...) and normal to be feeling terrified, and maybe even in denial about any future pregnancy. EDD's are really hard! are you getting any IRL support, or online support? that helps, a lot. you are not alone or weird in feeling this way.

it is so great that you have an exceptional GS. that will help a lot, i imagine. i know you want to feel that pure, innocent excitement that you may have had the first time around, but it will be very hard- i don't know if that is realistic. you have suffered a great loss. it will affect how you feel about moving forward- but the good thing is that, while you may feel all the sadness, worry (and everything else that comes along with grieving a loss), it is also possible for you to feel joy, happiness, excitement, and hope as well. our hearts and minds are capable of so much, all at the same time...

i had some pretty terrible pregnancy losses, and each time i became pregnant again (i am a future IP, btw), i lived in a state of denial most of the time... that is what worked for me. every day, i set aside a few minutes to check-in with the pregnancy, to connect, to feel some of those more positive hopeful things, and then, i went back to not thinking about it as much as possible. whatever coping mechanism works for you.

i'll also add that it is very important to allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your son... his EDD, the date of the loss, all the dates associated with his pregnancy could be difficult for years to come- so, just allow yourself to cry or feel badly... it is OK and really necessary.

[cousinmommy]

My FIM had never been through a late loss. She had been able to get pregnant once and had an early m/c. That's the only pregnancy she ever had on her own. They had been the adoption route and had that rug yanked out from under them a few times. Through our surrogacy she had a hard time letting herself even begin to relax and enjoy it until we hit the 20 week mark. I completely understood but we had talked about it. Be open and honest with your potential surros. The right one will understand. Once we got past that milestone she started to relax a little. Once she relaxed a little she started to enjoy herself too. Once she let herself enjoy things, she reveled in it all. By the last couple months she was practically shouting from the rooftops. It was a process for her but she blossomed throughout. You might surprise yourself and be more relaxed than you think once the ball is rolling. If not, just know it's pretty normal to feel the way you do.

[AwaitingBaby]

Thanks ladies for the very comforting words. I truly appreciate it. It feels so good to actually release some of the bottled-up emotions I have inside to people who know, unfortunately, what I am going through.

I took your advice and told my GC how I was feeling. She had so many encourging words to say. It really was sweet! I am also going to participate in the March of Dimes. What a great way to remember Gabriel.

HUGS TO ALL!

[coloradomom117]

My heart goes out to you, Laura. I'm glad you talked with your GS and got some support from her as well as on here. Being honest and having others to talk to about your feelings helps so much. I think that sharing emotions with your GS, and vice versa, will strengthen your relationship and be beneficial in the long run.

My IFs and I lost their son just shy of 22 weeks and were supposed to be due April 9, so I understand somewhat what it's been like for you. We're going to make an attempt sometime in the next few months, and we're all apprehensive. I know for me, I'm pretty terrified about it and can't help but think, "What if something like that happens again?" (*side note* I also had complications afterwards that resulted in several hospitalizations, so that plays a factor too.) I want to be excited about everything, but like you, I'm finding it really difficult. Experiences like that change things for sure. When I read your initial post, I definitely understood your emotion.

I wish you all the best and good luck on your upcoming journey.