What Would You Do?

[shadow2356]

I am an IM. I have been trying to do a surrogacy for over a year. We finally got to transfer in Dec (SET) but my GS miscarried in Jan. We are getting ready to do an FET and we have gotten the calendar from the RE, signed consents and I have paid the RE clinic.

My GS emailed me tonight that she may have to wait at least 90 days because her job put her on probation because she missed days due to the miscarriage. It really is only a 2 month wait since the FET was scheduled for 5/22. My worry is that we are going to have another bedrest situation and she will lose her job. That would be terrible for her, but also she would lose her medical insurance.

So I am not sure what to do. I feel like this whole thing has been me spending huge sums of money for nothing but disappointment. I have 5 frozen embryos that were a fortune to create (donor egg) and I would love to have the opportunity to have this work.

Have any other IPs had this situation? If so, what did you do?

[montanakate]

I am so sorry for all your disapointments and heartbreaks getting to this point. Have you talked to your gs about your fears regarding her job? If it is that tenuous, she might be having her own doubts and worries about continuing with the surrogacy as well. Just a thought, I don't claim to have been in the same situation. Good luck and congratulations on having some frozen embryos!

[hideaway2090]

Her job put her on probation for missing work due to a miscarriage? WOW..what would they do with all the missed work due to a pregnancy? Even an uneventful one will cause her to miss work at some point. What about maternity leave? It sounds like her job is more unstable than most.

I'm sorry but as a former IM, I personally couldn't work with a surrogate who has a job like that. I'd be so worried all the time about her losing her job because she's helping me. I'd never want my surrogate to take that kind of chance because of me.

I know surrogates choose to take risks for us, and I'm forever grateful for that, but something like this that more than likely will be a problem should make you wary. Maybe she can discuss her desires to be a surrogate with her boss and see what they would do? if it's too much of a risk, she shouldn't continue.

[Newtothis]

It sounds highly unlikely to get put on probabtion for a one time thing related to something medical. Sounds like there were things that happened before. All kinds of things can happen in a pregnancy and a surro needs a job that allows that. If it were me, and this is only my opinion, I would find a surro that had a secure job before proceeding. You have to much at stake financially and emotionally here.

[Juliana]

It sounds highly unlikely to get put on probabtion for a one time thing related to something medical. Sounds like there were things that happened before. All kinds of things can happen in a pregnancy and a surro needs a job that allows that. If it were me, and this is only my opinion, I would find a surro that had a secure job before proceeding. You have to much at stake financially and emotionally here.

I completely agree. I wonder if she's had many other absences prior to the miscarriage. Regardless, even though I'm a GS, I would not proceed with a GS in that situation, as an IM. There are far too many what-ifs to take that kind of risk (both on the part of the GS's family and IPs as well).

Good luck!

[Lowboy Love]

Cant your GS apply for FLMA and have the RE fill out the paper work for it so if she has to take time off her job is protected?

[BlessedinCA]

I'm a GS, but as an IM, I would part ways. Sounds like she already has one foot out the door and considering how much you have at risk, I would walk away. My employer knew from hiring and was very honest with him, I never had one issue during the pregnancy. My IF and twins met all my co-workers and my boss. My co-workers were my biggest cheerleaders. Sound like this is not the case for your GS. Think worst case senerio, it's a BIG red flag that you can't ignore. If you had enough concern to come post on here, sounds like you know what you have to do but telling her how you feel won't be easy. Think of the pregnancy in Jan as a preview of what's to come. . .

[unamialgra]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yikes! Sounds like her employer is either not pregnancy friendly or not surrogate friendly. There are so many appointments involved in pregnancy that if they are going to put her on probation for a miscarriage, she will quite possibly be fired later on. It's probably best to part ways. I am a GS, but if I were in her shoes and needing that job, I would probably be hoping for a way out. It could very well be that she wants to part ways as well but feels too guilty to say anything.

[darlinbaby]

Would it cost more if you had to pay for the medical bill in case she lost her job? I assume you wouldn't be liable for her wages if she lost her job but that's worth considering not to mention that would be stressful for her and therefore the baby. Or would it cost more if you had to start again and even pay for the surrogates insurance. The situation would concern me for sure. What if she needs to go on bed rest?

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for all the money that has been lost too. Good luck!

[jlm4]

I am terribly sorry for your loss! It sure does add insult to injury to have to be worrying about logistics and costs when all you want to do is grieve, move on and make a baby. Hang in there!

Tullina's and Amanda's post resonated with me and as an IM, if I were in your shoes, I would probably be ready to move on. Yes, surrogacy does take a long time and there are risks, but there are also many things you can control and you need to find a GS with a more stable job or perhaps a SAHM.

Good luck to you! We all look forward to hearing about another BFP in the near future!

[TXMama]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am not an IM, but tend to agree with the others that it sounds like a very risky situation for both you and your gs. Is this a new job, or a small company where she wouldn't qualify for FMLA? It does sound fishy that she would be put on probation for missing work due to a miscarriage. If she lost her job and insurance, would she not be eligible for COBRA? I suppose if she did loose her job and could get COBRA, you could offer to pay the premiums for that, so she would at least not be without insurance. Regardless, I'd have a heart to heart with her about how she feels and what would be the ramifications to her family if she lost the job. Best of luck to you!

[shadow2356]

Thanks everyone for the advice. She doesn't qualify for FMLA until August when she will be in her position for a year. She said if she did lose her job/insurance I could always pay COBRA. It is already getting way higher than my budget and I think that will put it over.

I am waiting to hear from my agency to see what they suggest. I am hoping we can figure something out.

[Lee]

There are ways to work with a surro who has lost her job. Yes, one of them is paying COBRA. I'd also check your contract for any other obligations you may have.

However, there are other factors to consider. Besides the financial stress that this could potentially put on you and on her, as an IM, I would also wonder if this is the best environment to get pregnant in. In an ideal world, a GS has all the support she needs: yours, her spouse's, her family's, work, etc. Having no job may make this a more difficult journey for everyone involved.