Depressed after failed transfer

[mgrimmgoss]

Hey All... any advice? I just feel REALLY upset about our failed transfer. We have no frozen embryos to try again right now. All 5 did not make it to the freezing stage.

IPs are looking for a new egg donor and I'm just... waiting... I'm trying to keep busy with other things (training for a 10k, work, etc.) but I'm just going to admit that I'm stinking depressed and wish this transfer had worked. I've also been avoiding SMO since I feel sad thinking about surrogacy at all right now.

Meanwhile my IPs haven't really communicated in a while. I'm sure they are super sad, busy, stressed as well. But it just adds to the bad feelings that they haven't reached out in a while.

Everything makes me sad--I just keep thinking "I should be pregnant right now."

[montanakate]

I am sorry your IPs haven't been better at communicating with you. Perhaps they don't know how to handle the disappointment either. Do you have the type of relationship with them that you can say something like, "I am feeling upset and disappointed, can we talk about this?" I always prefer to get things out in the open rather than worrying about who "might" be feeling something. You sound like you need more support--they probably do too; maybe if you bring it up, you all can help each other work through the disappointment together. I hope you can find the support you need, but remember, regardless of whatever else happens, you gave them something they probably hadn't had in a long, long time, which was hope. Yes, it didn't work out this time, but, if they are like most of us IPs, it was probably the first hope for a child they had in a long time. Hope unrealized sucks, but it is better than never having a chance in the first place.

[mgrimmgoss]

Thank you Kate...

I love my IPs greatly, I hope it didn't sound like I was blaming them at all. I know they need time to grieve on their own, so I don't want to bother them right now.

But yeah... I think I will suggest us getting together in the next couple of weeks especially as we may start getting hopeful again soon if they find a new ED.

[delphi]

I was in the same boat. When you want something so bad it's hard when it doesn't work. I still get mad. When my friend asked me to go ice skating I wanted to say "no" because I am pregnant, and you have to relive it not working all over again.

There was a disconnect between my IM and I but it was mutual. She needed some space and it was better for me to get back to my life and activities too. It made the days pass faster until they could decide if they could go again.

Also, it was kind of a good prep course for when they finally do have their baby and I have to get used to not being her best friend anymore. It was a *SMALL* taste and I got to work through my feelings about it and really think about what it will be like to not be a surrogate anymore. It was a good learning experience.

Disconnecting isn't a bad thing I think, and it doesn't mean they don't LOVE you.

Now? We're emailing more and talking more and getting back into the swing of it. I still care about her, and the test just helped us learn more about each other and how we would handle stress.

Good luck, I hope they find another ED!

[montanakate]

I certainly didn't think it sounded like you were being whiney or too quick to place blame. I am "assuming" (and of course, I am only assuming) that your IPs are having an equally difficult time figuring out how to approach you and give you the support you need while still licking their own wounds from the failed transfer. We all need some sort of manual--How to Deal With Surrogacy's Amazing Emotional Rollercoaster 101. I just wish you the best and hopefully you can get everything figured out quickly and get back for another transfer soon. I'll be rooting for you (as well as lots of other people on this site).

[checkster]

I feel for you. Although I have not been in your shoes, I can imagine what you are going through. Maybe you could just send your IM a quick little email so that she knows you are thinking of her. Maybe like "Thinking about you today" then add a smiley face. This way she knows you are in her thoughts and you are not requiring her to respond. I like when I know someone is thinking about me. She may feel the same. You never know, she may really be happy to just hear your little hello and send you a small smile back.

[Amaraine]

Negative transfers suck, especially combined with the emotional rollercoaster of stopping meds. I tried to throw myself into other things as well, but I definitely had to spend some time away from SMO and other surrogacy support websites. I found myself so jealous of surrogates experiencing successful cycles that I couldn't even be happy for them for awhile.

After my short break, I definitely felt better and more positive about my future in surrogacy, but it definitely took about a month or two for me.

Lots of positive thoughts and well wishes to you, M - and happy early birthday to your little one! Enjoy it.

[lovestodance]

I am having similar issues and I am in limbo as well. There are so many emotions involved. It is hard not having a plan because you have nothing to look forward to (surrogacy related). I usually get through my rough times by planning for the future and putting my all into the next step, but when you don't know the next step you can't do that. It is also hard to talk about it to anyone because you realize that your feelings don't compare to the hurt the IPs feel so it adds a layer of guilt and a lot of people, even surrogates, don't understand because it is almost like you have to live it to actually get it. Sorry to ramble in your thread but, long story short, I think I get what you are going through. If we are able to transfer again it will be a month after when I should have been due from our first transfer.

[laguera77]

After my failed transfer in January, I was really sad, depressed and felt like a failure. I cried the whole day when I got my period after stopping the meds. However I was the one who disconnected from my IM. She was the one reaching out to me, encouraging me, telling me everything was going to be alright, etc. So maybe your IM is like me and needs time and space to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions on her own. I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with you. As with most things, time slowly heals the wounds. We're transfering again in April. It is different this time. I don't have the confidence I had in January. This time it more about HOPE.

[mgrimmgoss]

I am having similar issues and I am in limbo as well. There are so many emotions involved. It is hard not having a plan because you have nothing to look forward to (surrogacy related). I usually get through my rough times by planning for the future and putting my all into the next step, but when you don't know the next step you can't do that. It is also hard to talk about it to anyone because you realize that your feelings don't compare to the hurt the IPs feel so it adds a layer of guilt and a lot of people, even surrogates, don't understand because it is almost like you have to live it to actually get it. Sorry to ramble in your thread but, long story short, I think I get what you are going through. If we are able to transfer again it will be a month after when I should have been due from our first transfer.

Yes yes yes to all of the bolded especially! This is what it is. It is almost like I feel like I am not allowed to be sad, so I'm trying to avoid it. then it slaps me in the face when I'm not expecting it.

And the not having a new plan yet is a big deal to me. I thought if it didn't work in Feb we would probably just try again ASAP (I was secretly hoping for April so I could join AMAs, heh heh.)

Anyway, I know we'll try again in maybe 3-6 months. Hoping.

Thank you all for backing me up and being here.

Sarah--will email you via BBC soon!

[sillymommy]

I am sorry girls. I can't emagine what it would be like to have a failed transfer. I know I was a ball of nerves my last surrogacy right before transfer day. It was horrible because I wondered what it would be like if the transfer didn't take on the first try like it did my first surrogacy.

I also found some post on another website from my IP's first surrogate. Her transfer didn't take the first TWO times they tried with her. She posted how my IM wouldn't speak to her or answer her phone calls. BUT, then I found comfort in knowing that "our" IM did find the strength to try again because her first surrogate did deliver a baby for them.

Try to be easy on yourself. I think both surrogates and IP's have a hard time with this and its hard to know what to say or do to help each other ya know? Its no one's fault. It would almost be better if there someone to blame.

Hugs

[lovestodance]

Yes yes yes to all of the bolded especially! This is what it is. It is almost like I feel like I am not allowed to be sad, so I'm trying to avoid it. then it slaps me in the face when I'm not expecting it.

And the not having a new plan yet is a big deal to me. I thought if it didn't work in Feb we would probably just try again ASAP (I was secretly hoping for April so I could join AMAs, heh heh.)

Anyway, I know we'll try again in maybe 3-6 months. Hoping.

Thank you all for backing me up and being here.

Sarah--will email you via BBC soon!

We are looking at July for next transfer. I had a miscarriage and a D&C so I have to have a normal period first and my IPs aren't 100% sure how they are going to proceed. They may have to take a different road all together. I am taking it day by day right now. I know for 100% certain that when you struggle to get pregnant for your IPs your delivery is so much more meaningful when it does happen. I am holding on to that right now and trying to get back into positive thinking.

[Ann Hamilton]

i too have vasilating IPs who are not talking to me. Thank goodness I am so busy right now. Time is flying. My contract is not up until July. The agency is reluctant to match me until their final word. We experienced two failed transfers back to back and they have lost faith.... If April comes and goes without a commitment, I am done. They have frozen embies remaining so why not give them a chance too?
Ann

[sillymommy]

i too have vasilating IPs who are not talking to me. Thank goodness I am so busy right now. Time is flying. My contract is not up until July. The agency is reluctant to match me until their final word. We experienced two failed transfers back to back and they have lost faith.... If April comes and goes without a commitment, I am done. They have frozen embies remaining so why not give them a chance too?
Ann

Ann, do you ever worry that after so many pregnancies, surrogacies, meds, your age and such that maybe your body is tired of responding?? I am not bashing just curious. I may start a thread because I am seriously wondering. At some point do you ever say maybe I could be the problem? Or do you wait until you have no uterus or can not be approved by a clinic to throw in the towel?

I wonder if you can ask your IP's if they just want to end the contract early. They may just not want to ask you.

[Ann Hamilton]

Ann, do you ever worry that after so many pregnancies, surrogacies, meds, your age and such that maybe your body is tired of responding?? I am not bashing just curious. I may start a thread because I am seriously wondering. At some point do you ever say maybe I could be the problem? Or do you wait until you have no uterus or can not be approved by a clinic to throw in the towel?

I wonder if you can ask your IP's if they just want to end the contract early. They may just not want to ask you.

I worry about very little that I do not have control over. If it is meant to happen, then it will. If it doesn't, then I wonder. I am not the common denominator in their attempts, but just a variable. I have worked with couples who have had multiple failures and have succeeded with me and I have worked with couples who when we tried were not initially successful but they went on to experience success with another SM. The couple has notified the agency and stated that they will give them their final word in a few weeks. So I wait....
I am not the problem and I have a perfectly functioning uterus. It just isn't filling up fast enough with the right stuff!
Ann

[mgrimmgoss]

Update: I got an email from my IPs. They are looking for a new egg donor. So, things are happening. I was just glad to hear from them again. They confirmed that they have just been sad. But it was good to get an email.

[sillymommy]

Update: I got an email from my IPs. They are looking for a new egg donor. So, things are happening. I was just glad to hear from them again. They confirmed that they have just been sad. But it was good to get an email.

I am so glad they are not giving up! I am always amazed at these IP's who can pick themselves up and keep trying.

[mgrimmgoss]

I know. In the words of my IF, "we are tired of just letting time pass." So even though they are upset, they are putting the steps in motion for our next attempt! I really respect them and feel for them with everything they have been through.

[DKmamato3]

that is great news ... good luck!

[lovestodance]

Update: I got an email from my IPs. They are looking for a new egg donor. So, things are happening. I was just glad to hear from them again. They confirmed that they have just been sad. But it was good to get an email.

That is so good to hear! I heard from my IPs as well they have quite a few options to consider but I think they are getting a plan in place as well. Keep us updated I will be happy to cheer you on.