Learning about matching as an intended parent

[lemonade]

Hi all...

Sorry this is long, this is my first time posting here and I could use your input.

I am hoping that some of the surrogate mothers here might share their opinions on this with me. My husband and I are hoping to build our family through gestational surrogacy (currently consulting with an IVF clinic to make sure that this is a possibility), and have been researching various surrogacy matching agencies.

So I was hoping people might give me some feedback on their experiences working with agencies versus working independently?

At first we thought we wanted to go with an agency way because, well, everything seemed easier... there are so many details, especially in contracts, lawyers, escrow, that we hoped that an agency would be able to help make this work better for all involved and make all feel like there was less at risk.

When I started actually talking to agencies in California (where we live), the process started to feel uncomfortable. They sent us fee schedules that looked like the people who'd signed up with the agency (whether first-time or repeat surrogate parents) were all getting paid the same fee, and I thought that part of this process was that surrogate mothers were able to negotiate -- with us or an agency -- a fee that was fair to them, even with things like childcare or bedrest or lost wages. I know it's not all about the money, but it's really important to me that this arrangement be fair to everybody and it just felt a bit odd.

Part of the reason we're hoping that gestational surrogacy is an option for us is because of health conditions related to past trauma, and the last thing I want to do is cause pain or inconvenience for whoever we get matched with. So the money thing seemed a bit odd, as well as some major differences in how they talked about providing emotional support to gestational surrogates and their families if needed, and so now I'm wondering if an agency really is the right choice, or am I just looking at the wrong ones?

I'd love to hear from people who thought about being matched through an agency, going independent, or both-- What were your priorities in finding a supportive agency? Does anybody have any recommendations for getting started in the matching process in California?

Thank you so much!

Sara

[luvmy4]

#1 is that if you choose to go w/an agency, they do NOT have to be in the same state as you. #2 is that they all have their own agency fee, seperate and apart from the GS's comp. #3 is that the comp and any fee's outside of the agencies (termination, SR, lost wages, maternity clothers, comp, etc) is all negotiable between you and the GS. There should be no reason why the agency is dictating what all the fees are, if you and the GS are willing to negotiate.

I'm working w/an agency in MN (IARC... www.fertilityhelp.com ) and they had no problems whatsoever, when my 2nd IP's and I negotiated my comp and fee's. There were some fee's I was willing to lower, some I was willing to drop altogether that were 'standard' for the agency, and some I wasn't willing to compromise on because I felt it put my family potentially at risk. Nothing was written in stone and I was always willing to work w/my IP's. Most of the fee's were suggested by the agency and are typical/avg across the board in surrogacy, so it was more of a starting point for us. There were some things that my current IP's weren't comfortable w/on our 1st journey, as they felt they were too low, and wanted to increase them. I was fine w/where they were, but was willing to do a very small compromise to make them happy.

[surrolena]

I matched through a California agency and while they do have a set of fees they show as "typical" I was able to choose whatever I wanted. I just kept everything as typical except I figured out my exact "worst case" childcare costs for bedrest. I would ask the agency if these are the same fees for all their surrogates, or more just a representation of what to expect. I will say, however, that if you continue to feel uncomfortable absolutely move on. As Traci said, you don't even have to choose a CA agency. I would think, however, that a CA agency might have a greater percentage of CA surrogates (if you are hoping for someone nearby) although that is probably not always the case.

Good luck!!

[cs mommy]

hi we're in a similar place in our journeys as ips! we also live in socal and have slowly begun to talk to agencies. as for us we would really like to work with an agency since i wouldnt even know where to begin if we were to work indy!

good luck on whichever decision you make and look forward to following you on your journey!!

[hope2basurro]

Hi all...

Sorry this is long, this is my first time posting here and I could use your input.

I am hoping that some of the surrogate mothers here might share their opinions on this with me. My husband and I are hoping to build our family through gestational surrogacy (currently consulting with an IVF clinic to make sure that this is a possibility), and have been researching various surrogacy matching agencies.

So I was hoping people might give me some feedback on their experiences working with agencies versus working independently?

At first we thought we wanted to go with an agency way because, well, everything seemed easier... there are so many details, especially in contracts, lawyers, escrow, that we hoped that an agency would be able to help make this work better for all involved and make all feel like there was less at risk.

When I started actually talking to agencies in California (where we live), the process started to feel uncomfortable. They sent us fee schedules that looked like the people who'd signed up with the agency (whether first-time or repeat surrogate parents) were all getting paid the same fee, and I thought that part of this process was that surrogate mothers were able to negotiate -- with us or an agency -- a fee that was fair to them, even with things like childcare or bedrest or lost wages. I know it's not all about the money, but it's really important to me that this arrangement be fair to everybody and it just felt a bit odd.

Part of the reason we're hoping that gestational surrogacy is an option for us is because of health conditions related to past trauma, and the last thing I want to do is cause pain or inconvenience for whoever we get matched with. So the money thing seemed a bit odd, as well as some major differences in how they talked about providing emotional support to gestational surrogates and their families if needed, and so now I'm wondering if an agency really is the right choice, or am I just looking at the wrong ones?

I'd love to hear from people who thought about being matched through an agency, going independent, or both-- What were your priorities in finding a supportive agency? Does anybody have any recommendations for getting started in the matching process in California?

Thank you so much!

Sara

Welcome, just a suggestion but you could probably talk to the clinic and see if they have any in-house surrogate's they can match you with. I know the clinic I worked with previously does.
I'm not an IP but a hopeful GS and I feel the same way. It's hard to know who to go with or what direction to take. I have to say if I've learned anything at all and the hard way unfortunately, it's trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right move on. There are so many amazing people on this board that can answer your questions. There are also a lot of feedback threads about agencies. I would check those out but also ask others too. I found a lot more feedback from personally talking with others. And like others said you don't have to go with a CA agency just because you are in CA. That's just my Good luck in whatever direction you choose.

hi we're in a similar place in our journeys as ips! we also live in socal and have slowly begun to talk to agencies. as for us we would really like to work with an agency since i wouldnt even know where to begin if we were to work indy!

good luck on whichever decision you make and look forward to following you on your journey!!

Good luck to you in your search as well!

You both should come to one of the gtg's. We are trying to plan a So Cal one coming up in April. But if you are closer to Central Ca I know they have them often too.

[Kakaji]

Hi all...

Sorry this is long, this is my first time posting here and I could use your input.

I am hoping that some of the surrogate mothers here might share their opinions on this with me. My husband and I are hoping to build our family through gestational surrogacy (currently consulting with an IVF clinic to make sure that this is a possibility), and have been researching various surrogacy matching agencies.

So I was hoping people might give me some feedback on their experiences working with agencies versus working independently?

At first we thought we wanted to go with an agency way because, well, everything seemed easier... there are so many details, especially in contracts, lawyers, escrow, that we hoped that an agency would be able to help make this work better for all involved and make all feel like there was less at risk.

When I started actually talking to agencies in California (where we live), the process started to feel uncomfortable. They sent us fee schedules that looked like the people who'd signed up with the agency (whether first-time or repeat surrogate parents) were all getting paid the same fee, and I thought that part of this process was that surrogate mothers were able to negotiate -- with us or an agency -- a fee that was fair to them, even with things like childcare or bedrest or lost wages. I know it's not all about the money, but it's really important to me that this arrangement be fair to everybody and it just felt a bit odd.

Part of the reason we're hoping that gestational surrogacy is an option for us is because of health conditions related to past trauma, and the last thing I want to do is cause pain or inconvenience for whoever we get matched with. So the money thing seemed a bit odd, as well as some major differences in how they talked about providing emotional support to gestational surrogates and their families if needed, and so now I'm wondering if an agency really is the right choice, or am I just looking at the wrong ones?

I'd love to hear from people who thought about being matched through an agency, going independent, or both-- What were your priorities in finding a supportive agency? Does anybody have any recommendations for getting started in the matching process in California?

Thank you so much!

Sara

You are correct there are a lot of details, but you could find an experienced IP to help guide you, if it is a route you want to go but want some back up. I went indy, I was afraid but made gobs of friends here and at gatherings that held my hand, plus my RE's office had guidelines and partnerships with other professionals that helped

Welcome, just a suggestion but you could probably talk to the clinic and see if they have any in-house surrogate's they can match you with. I know the clinic I worked with previously does.
I'm not an IP but a hopeful GS and I feel the same way. It's hard to know who to go with or what direction to take. I have to say if I've learned anything at all and the hard way unfortunately, it's trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right move on. There are so many amazing people on this board that can answer your questions. There are also a lot of feedback threads about agencies. I would check those out but also ask others too. I found a lot more feedback from personally talking with others. And like others said you don't have to go with a CA agency just because you are in CA. That's just my Good luck in whatever direction you choose.





Good luck to you in your search as well!

You both should come to one of the gtg's. We are trying to plan a So Cal one coming up in April. But if you are closer to Central Ca I know they have them often too.

Yes! to this, even if you use an agency. BTW there is an agency in SoCal ran by an IM, if you contact me via dkalume6 at gmail, I would be happy to pass my info, my kids were born in Sac and the lawyer I used was there. BTW if you choose to email, give me a heads up here so you don't get burried in spam Good luck with whichever route you choose, and keep getting informed even if you choose an agency.

[missbeth]

#1 is that if you choose to go w/an agency, they do NOT have to be in the same state as you. #2 is that they all have their own agency fee, seperate and apart from the GS's comp. #3 is that the comp and any fee's outside of the agencies (termination, SR, lost wages, maternity clothers, comp, etc) is all negotiable between you and the GS. There should be no reason why the agency is dictating what all the fees are, if you and the GS are willing to negotiate.

.... and they had no problems whatsoever, when my 2nd IP's and I negotiated my comp and fee's. There were some fee's I was willing to lower, some I was willing to drop altogether that were 'standard' for the agency, and some I wasn't willing to compromise on because I felt it put my family potentially at risk. Nothing was written in stone and I was always willing to work w/my IP's. Most of the fee's were suggested by the agency and are typical/avg across the board in surrogacy, so it was more of a starting point for us. There were some things that my current IP's weren't comfortable w/on our 1st journey, as they felt they were too low, and wanted to increase them. I was fine w/where they were, but was willing to do a very small compromise to make them happy.

I am seconding what she said but also want to add a few things.

The fee schedules the agency gives you are "typical" fees (as said above) and are used as a way to help you estimate your total costs. If you are not comfortable with an $800 maternity clothes fee, then when you start matching you would talk with your surrogate and see what she'd be comfortable with as a maternity clothes budget.

Taking into consideration where your surrogate lives could make a big difference. If she lives in California, some things, like monthly allowance, childcare and maternity clothes will be higher- as well as some agency fees, because of the cost of living and the cost of running a business there. As said by previous posters, you aren't limited to an agency in California. Look around and talk to a few different agencies and see how you feel. I hope you can find one you are comfortable with. (ETA On the flip side- if you choose a surrogate who lives out of state you are paying for travel for them to come to your clinic, for you to meet, for you to go to her for delivery, etc.)

One last thing- some of the fees will differ between surrogates depending on their work status. If they are employed full time you probably won't have to pay much in the way of childcare because that's something they'd have to pay regardless of surrogacy, but you might have lost wages where you wouldn't have those with someone who stays home (the stay home parent would likely have higher childcare/housekeeping costs). Maternity clothes for someone who works in a business environment also might cost more than maternity clothes for someone who is more likely to just need casual for the most part.

Anyway, all that to say it's different for everyone. I wish you the best in matching <3

(I'm experienced in matching and contracts (x3) but am still working on the full experience.)

[unamialgra]

Welcome!

I am just starting out on the GS side of things, and I have been talking with agencies and filling out expected compensation stuff. I think most agencies are probably providing you with what is average for GSs so you can get an idea of what to budget. On my side of things, I have been asked how much compensation I would like for general comp as well as each contingency, with the understanding that everything is negotiable with individual IPs once I get to that point. I think if you have been talking to an agency that has a "set fee schedule" you don't feel comfortable with, you should just move on to a different agency.

Good luck, I hope you find your perfect match!

[lemonade]

Oh wow! Thanks for the responses, all -- definitely gives me some more things to think about, and knowing that it's possible to put all the pieces together independently if that feels better gives me some peace of mind. (Though still overwhelming!)

Kakaji -- I'm going to send you an email about the agency you mentioned in SoCal. My email will also be a gmail address, sadahia1c, so hopefully it won't get lost in the spam.

I also love the idea of finding one of the get togethers to attend, get to know some people along this journey... though, we just moved to the Bay Area from Southern California so the SoCal one would be a bit difficult!

Talked to my husband a bit about the agency that showed me that particular cost sheet this evening, and were able to pin down some of the reasons for my concerns. I think this is a case where they, and not the surrogates, set the fees, which makes me a little nervous... even just moving from Southern California to Northern California I'm noticing how much the cost of living changes, so I feel more comfortable hearing directly from the surrogate what feels reasonable to her and her family. I figure that since we'll have two different roles here, we might as well have the best communication possible from start.

And on the plus side, that conversation helped my husband and I figure out a bit more what feels comfortable to us -- turns out he was really worried about having someone demanding to step in as an extra parent if we went independently, since he was raised solely by his mum and dad. I think I'm a bit less fussed about that being an issue in surrogacy.

Anyway, I seem incapable of short emails! I emailed that agency and asked whether they could put me in touch with both previous surrogates and intended families they've worked with for referrals... nothing yet, but hopefully will either hear something that helps with those concerns, or at least now know to move on and look for a different arrangement. Not sure whether privacy is an issue to getting referrals, but we definitely want to know all we can before making a decision.

[Kakaji]

Oh wow! Thanks for the responses, all -- definitely gives me some more things to think about, and knowing that it's possible to put all the pieces together independently if that feels better gives me some peace of mind. (Though still overwhelming!)

Kakaji -- I'm going to send you an email about the agency you mentioned in SoCal. My email will also be a gmail address, sadahia1c, so hopefully it won't get lost in the spam.

I also love the idea of finding one of the get togethers to attend, get to know some people along this journey... though, we just moved to the Bay Area from Southern California so the SoCal one would be a bit difficult!

Talked to my husband a bit about the agency that showed me that particular cost sheet this evening, and were able to pin down some of the reasons for my concerns. I think this is a case where they, and not the surrogates, set the fees, which makes me a little nervous... even just moving from Southern California to Northern California I'm noticing how much the cost of living changes, so I feel more comfortable hearing directly from the surrogate what feels reasonable to her and her family. I figure that since we'll have two different roles here, we might as well have the best communication possible from start.

And on the plus side, that conversation helped my husband and I figure out a bit more what feels comfortable to us -- turns out he was really worried about having someone demanding to step in as an extra parent if we went independently, since he was raised solely by his mum and dad. I think I'm a bit less fussed about that being an issue in surrogacy.

Anyway, I seem incapable of short emails! I emailed that agency and asked whether they could put me in touch with both previous surrogates and intended families they've worked with for referrals... nothing yet, but hopefully will either hear something that helps with those concerns, or at least now know to move on and look for a different arrangement. Not sure whether privacy is an issue to getting referrals, but we definitely want to know all we can before making a decision.

You have mail with all of the numbers and website I could think of, just remember to make sure I know if you email me there or I would not see it, congrats and good luck!

[onlygreen]

Oh wow! Thanks for the responses, all -- definitely gives me some more things to think about, and knowing that it's possible to put all the pieces together independently if that feels better gives me some peace of mind. (Though still overwhelming!)

Kakaji -- I'm going to send you an email about the agency you mentioned in SoCal. My email will also be a gmail address, sadahia1c, so hopefully it won't get lost in the spam.

I also love the idea of finding one of the get togethers to attend, get to know some people along this journey... though, we just moved to the Bay Area from Southern California so the SoCal one would be a bit difficult!

Talked to my husband a bit about the agency that showed me that particular cost sheet this evening, and were able to pin down some of the reasons for my concerns. I think this is a case where they, and not the surrogates, set the fees, which makes me a little nervous... even just moving from Southern California to Northern California I'm noticing how much the cost of living changes, so I feel more comfortable hearing directly from the surrogate what feels reasonable to her and her family. I figure that since we'll have two different roles here, we might as well have the best communication possible from start.

And on the plus side, that conversation helped my husband and I figure out a bit more what feels comfortable to us -- turns out he was really worried about having someone demanding to step in as an extra parent if we went independently, since he was raised solely by his mum and dad. I think I'm a bit less fussed about that being an issue in surrogacy.

Anyway, I seem incapable of short emails! I emailed that agency and asked whether they could put me in touch with both previous surrogates and intended families they've worked with for referrals... nothing yet, but hopefully will either hear something that helps with those concerns, or at least now know to move on and look for a different arrangement. Not sure whether privacy is an issue to getting referrals, but we definitely want to know all we can before making a decision.

Hi
I am also in the Bay area and embarking on this journey of finding a gestational mommy for our donor baby.....i would love to meet up with you....I can be contacted via email hemalrmehta at yahoo.
Look forward to meeting up via email....