D&E and loss support questions

[dahlia]

Several days ago I started a thread about urethra blockage at 18-20 w gestation. My friend has learned this morning that the baby she is carrying has no kidney function. They will be having a D&E later on this week.

They have said she'll sleep through it, but for those of you who have had a D&E this late in pregnancy, can you tell me-- do you get to sleep through the termination part of it? My friend is upset very easily, and of course right now is absolutely no exception. I know if she has to be awake through that, she will absolutely die inside. Is there anything I can share with her that might help her prepare emotionally for the procedure or recovery?

Also, for those who have experienced a loss and have had help from others while you recovered, what did you find to be most helpful to you? I'm thinking about preparing some meals for her and freezing them, but is there anything else that I can do to help her? Or would there be something that could help her more than prepared meals?

Thanks for any advice you can offer. I'm so sad for her

[Babybug]

Oh I'm so sad for your friend. Just devastating. I would make sure she knows you are there for her and thinking about her. Maybe make some meals. I can't remember if she has any other children, if she does, perhaps you could help out with them if you live close by? I'm sure there will be so many more great suggestions for you. Lots of hugs.

[coco626]

I had a D&E at 14 weeks and was asleep for the actual procedure. The day before the D&E, I was admitted to the hospital and had something done (can't remember what it's called) to dilate my cervix. I had my IV placed and all that stuff. It took some work to get the dilation process working and I had to have something that felt like gauze placed in my cervix to dilate it. It was not comfortable, but not really painful. It was pretty annoying to sleep with it. At 5 am the next morning I was wheeled to the OR and immediately put to sleep to have the actual D&E performed.

The recovery wouldn't have been too bad, physically, if they wouldn't have kept me for 4 days because of my elevated heartrate (170s). No real pain or anything- well, at least not that I can remember. I was pretty much in a total emotional fog. That part was awful! I was alone almost the whole time (I think). I know my DH was there some and so was my mom, but I remember feeling like no one was there for a majority of my stay. I needed someone. For what? I don't know. But I just felt alone.

I think just being there for your friend to show as much support as you can will help a lot. And yes, the few people that brought meals were lifesavers because I lived in a little black hole for quite a while.

I am so sorry for your friend. *hugs*

[hope2basurro]

We are getting ready to walk out the door and I can't post on my phone so this won't be as long as it would be. But I really wanted to reply.

I'm so sorry for your friend, my heart breaks for her. I don't think I will ever forget the physical pain details of those moments. I'm not sure how differently it will be since when I had it done the baby had already passed away. I'm keeping your friend in my prayers. Like Courtney I had to go in and have these things I can't recall the name of inserted to dialate my cervix. I had to go in 2 days in a row so they could replace the ones they put in the first day. That was pretty painful for me while it was being done, after was just a lot of cramping. I was put to sleep for the procedure after they had given me Cytotec (SP?) and I was having cramping/contractions pretty good at that point.

One thing I wanted to say is definitely make/bring her meals. I had lots of offers and I declined because I didn't want people to be inconvenienced because it was a surro pregnancy. I wish I had just taken them up on the offers or that someone would've just brought them anyways. I would just offer a shoulder to cry on. ((HUGS)) for your friend.

[coloradomom117]

I'm so sorry about your friend. It's a terrible thing when you find out the baby has something profoundly wrong with him/her and you have to end it. That's what happened to us and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through (still is since it happened 6 weeks ago).

I can't answer about the D&E part because I was induced, so no experience there.

As for your role, just being there, telling her you're there if she needs anything will be such a great help. For me, just hearing people say they're thinking and praying for me and my IFs was very comforting. Everyone on here was so awesome, and when I'd come read what people had written, it would make me feel better. I had some friends make some nice gestures with small gifts and such, which were nice surprises that would brighten my day. One of the local surrogates with my agency offered to bring dinner, but I declined because I felt weird saying, "Yes, bring me and my 4 other family members food." She was also 34 weeks pregnant with twins, so I told her I should be the one bringing her dinner! I suggest if you want to prepare meals, don't ask, just do it.

I think just letting her know you're thinking of her and there for her is more than enough. Bringing dinner is always sweet, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it. In the coming weeks, continue to check on her (not too much) and let her know she has your continued support. You sound like a great friend and are so sweet to be doing what you're doing.

I hope things go smoothly and she can begin to rest and recover both physically and emotionally. Big hugs to you and her!

[gestjenn]

Not having to cook for awhile was very nice. I couldn't hardly function, let alone cook. It was nice to throw something in the oven. Or lay in bed and let someone else do it! Just call and leave messages if she doesn't answer. Sometimes I didn't have the strength to talk but appreciated the messages. Just be there when you can, how you can. not just now but in the months to come.

[twinkiesmom]

I am so sorry to read this update. Please give your friend a big hug from me, if she is willing to accept one from a stranger.

She will probably be asleep for the D+E. The emotional trauma is bad enough, most OBs will try to protect their patients from the trauma of the procedure itself. Most likely, she will be under "conscious sedation" which is not full general anaesthesia but will make her unaware of her surroundings.

Unfortunately, she will probably require cervical dilatation for 1-2 days before the procedure. This is usually done with Laminaria (seaweed sticks that are inserted into the cervix; they soak up vaginal fluid and slowly expand, gently dilating the cervix) which are uncomfortable but survivable.

She is so lucky to have a loving friend like you!

[jlm4]

I suggest if you want to prepare meals, don't ask, just do it.

After our loss, food was the best condolence gift we received, by far.

Just be there when you can, how you can. not just now but in the months to come.

Checking in and not being afraid to mention her loss in the future will probably be a blessing to her. I know that everyone is different and you'll have to test the waters, but typically, parents of lost babies don't want their babies to be forgotten.

[dahlia]

So it's been about a month and a half now (a little longer). My friend is having a hard time. As busy as my own life is, I make sure we still get together once a week, even if just for breakfast. She's reached a point that anything to do with pregnancy (especially her own) makes her very, very angry. She doesn't talk about it with anyone, except me, and for fear that she'll stop talking about it completely, I don't bring it up often.

Last week she made an appt with our OB to talk about a likely unrelated issue. The receptionist (without looking at my friend's file) asked, "Are you pregnant?" My friend told her off, basically criticizing her for not looking at the file to know that no, she is not pregnant. Today she's at that appointment and they have her in the exam room where she first learned that there was a problem. She's a mess.

Part of me feels that her denying her feelings on this and refusing to talk about it is leading her to all of this anger and frustration. I want so much to help take her hurt away.... I know it's not possible, so the best I can do is listen and support. A week and a half ago her hubby called me for the first time ever because he doesn't know the first thing about pregnancy, postpartum recoveries, hormones, or any of that, and he's scared for her because she's most definitely not herself. He's afraid she's going to do something she may regret.

The last time we directly talked about her loss, she told me that the hurt is never, ever going to go away and it just sits there constantly. That's what made me realize we need to focus our get togethers on more positive things to get her mind off it. But am I feeding her denial of her feelings? Or am I actually helping her by taking her mind off it? I don't know.

She absolutely hates seeing pregnant women. Hates it. It destroys her, especially when she sees a teen mom or someone with 18 kids that doesn't pay the first bit of attention to their children. She avoids facebook some days, and on others, she blocks people that are pregnant, or that share a lot of pregnancy or baby stuff.

This pregnancy gave her a feeling of purpose in life. She is young and hasn't quite found herself yet. I think this pregnancy was a foundation to a much deeper sense of being for her.

She and her husband aren't exactly doing well all of the time. He's been pretty great to her through all of this, but they still have a hard time. I think they are lacking in their communication together. She expects him to immediately understand her with little explanation, and he gets frustrated that he doesn't, and also wants to feel heard and validated. I suppose that is an issue in many marriages (including my own from time to time), but with this added loss, it makes things strained. I fear their attempts at communication are dwindling.

I don't know how to help her. I don't know if I can help her. I know so many on here who have shared their losses openly have been healed and helped by talking about it, by confronting the feelings and working through them. How do you help someone who isn't healed that way? And how do you do that when your own life has you completely overextended as it is? I want to help her. I hate to look in her eyes and see such emptiness. She has such a spark to her normally. She is a hilarious, smart and charismatic person. One of my favorite people, honestly. How can I help her? Is time really all there is?

[Eekinator]

How difficult for everyone involved! Unfortunately, there is no one way that everyone grieves. Anger is very commonly a part of the grief process. Keeping communication open is absolutely important. She may feel like just shutting down as a coping mechanism. Just keep doing what you're doing and I think you will slowly start to see her come back to her happiness. She won't likely ever be the same as she was before, but maybe in some ways, she'll be even better. Also, you might encourge her to see a grief counselor. She very well could be suffering from postpartum depression in addition. It might not hurt to seek treatment. She may not ever "get over it." But it will get easier over for her to deal with the pain of it over time. Lots of hugs to both of you, and her hubby too! He lost a baby too... I imagine he is probably grieving too. I hope he has a friend like you to help him too.

[Amaraine]

So it's been about a month and a half now (a little longer). My friend is having a hard time. As busy as my own life is, I make sure we still get together once a week, even if just for breakfast. She's reached a point that anything to do with pregnancy (especially her own) makes her very, very angry. She doesn't talk about it with anyone, except me, and for fear that she'll stop talking about it completely, I don't bring it up often.

Last week she made an appt with our OB to talk about a likely unrelated issue. The receptionist (without looking at my friend's file) asked, "Are you pregnant?" My friend told her off, basically criticizing her for not looking at the file to know that no, she is not pregnant. Today she's at that appointment and they have her in the exam room where she first learned that there was a problem. She's a mess.

Part of me feels that her denying her feelings on this and refusing to talk about it is leading her to all of this anger and frustration. I want so much to help take her hurt away.... I know it's not possible, so the best I can do is listen and support. A week and a half ago her hubby called me for the first time ever because he doesn't know the first thing about pregnancy, postpartum recoveries, hormones, or any of that, and he's scared for her because she's most definitely not herself. He's afraid she's going to do something she may regret.

The last time we directly talked about her loss, she told me that the hurt is never, ever going to go away and it just sits there constantly. That's what made me realize we need to focus our get togethers on more positive things to get her mind off it. But am I feeding her denial of her feelings? Or am I actually helping her by taking her mind off it? I don't know.

She absolutely hates seeing pregnant women. Hates it. It destroys her, especially when she sees a teen mom or someone with 18 kids that doesn't pay the first bit of attention to their children. She avoids facebook some days, and on others, she blocks people that are pregnant, or that share a lot of pregnancy or baby stuff.

This pregnancy gave her a feeling of purpose in life. She is young and hasn't quite found herself yet. I think this pregnancy was a foundation to a much deeper sense of being for her.

She and her husband aren't exactly doing well all of the time. He's been pretty great to her through all of this, but they still have a hard time. I think they are lacking in their communication together. She expects him to immediately understand her with little explanation, and he gets frustrated that he doesn't, and also wants to feel heard and validated. I suppose that is an issue in many marriages (including my own from time to time), but with this added loss, it makes things strained. I fear their attempts at communication are dwindling.

I don't know how to help her. I don't know if I can help her. I know so many on here who have shared their losses openly have been healed and helped by talking about it, by confronting the feelings and working through them. How do you help someone who isn't healed that way? And how do you do that when your own life has you completely overextended as it is? I want to help her. I hate to look in her eyes and see such emptiness. She has such a spark to her normally. She is a hilarious, smart and charismatic person. One of my favorite people, honestly. How can I help her? Is time really all there is?

I'm so, so sorry to hear that your friend is having such a hard time. It's wonderful that you continue to meet with her once a week and focus on positive, uplifting things. I feel your friend really needs something or someone to help her work through this and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think meeting with a counselor would be beneficial, but my first thought was a support group of people who have been through exactly what she's been through. I think it might help her to see that it does get better, and that there are other people who have been through the same experiences and whose hearts have healed with time. Maybe a counselor could put her in touch with one?

You are an amazing, generous, and loving friend - I know it must be so hard watch her go through this. Big hugs to all of you!

[jlm4]

I think meeting with a counselor would be beneficial, but my first thought was a support group of people who have been through exactly what she's been through. I think it might help her to see that it does get better, and that there are other people who have been through the same experiences and whose hearts have healed with time. Maybe a counselor could put her in touch with one?

I absolutely agree with this and I think she needs to do this soon. Many hospitals and OB offices have lists of support groups; she needs to be with other people who know exactly what she is going through. Additionally, her marriage needs tending and these support groups address this issue too.

[twinkiesmom]

Your friend is so blessed to have you! BIG HUG to both grieving parents and to you.

[Pixiechick]

It's hard to lose your own child. Nothing anyone can ever say will be right for a long time. All you can do is just be there for her. Do NOT forget that when the due date comes around, she will go thru depression of sorts (more likely than not) and this could come and go the first few years. I lost mine in October and so I have two times that month to remember her, the date she died and the date that "Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month" is acknowledged. The first 2 years sucked. I would just cry and cry for what never was. After that, it got easier.I kept the ultrasound pictures and put them with a stuffed animal that is in a pouch for safekeeping. I looked at it a lot at first, and now I look at it from time to time, especially when my other children are sick or something, as a reminder that she's watching over.

All I can say, is that it probably won't make a lot of sense what she goes through, but just stick by her side. On the darkest of days, try to make things easier for her by offering to take her to lunch or get your nails done or whatever she likes to do and will lift her up. If she says no, then leave her be for that time as she may just want to be alone. My friends did get offended on days I wouldn't get out of bed....but those were days I just wanted to be by myself while kids were in school.

It will get easier. (((BIG HUGS))) to her.

[Rebekah Rose]

Closed at OP's request.