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Thread: How do you deal with unsupportive, narrow minded people?

  1. #1
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    Default How do you deal with unsupportive, narrow minded people?

    In April of 2008 when we began the journey for me to become a surrogate, my husband and I were thoughful enough to sit down with the people in our lives that mattered the most to let them in on what we were doing. Immediately, my MIL disapproved. We had our talk with her, explained the procedures, the couple (at the time) our reasoning for wanting to do it - and she flat out was disgusted, and thought that they should "just adopt".

    So, now FFW to today. Im 22 weeks. We havent spoken to my inlaws since AUGUST because my MIL has just been a childish ______ (insert your own choice word there) over some family issues - that are really none of her business to begin with.

    Apparently someone on my FB is a spy for her, and reports back to her every time I take a $hit. Well, of course when I announced on FB on April Fools that I am pregnant, someone reported back to her. So now shes talking $hit behind my back (again/more) about me being pregnant. Im scarring my children.... she truly believes that because SHE disapproves, we shouldnt have gone ahead with it. Really?!!!

    Now, Im getting ready to send her an email/letter/whatever addressing alot of the issues - and I will be dealing with the surrogacy as well. I mean, #1, I am THIRTY SIX YEARS OLD for Christs sake - my husband is 35 - we can make our own decisions, we're ADULTS! We werent asking for her PERMISSION! We were being courteous enough to tell her about our plans - because we didnt want her to think we were trying to have another baby of our own - which she would have disapproved of even MORE!!! And, WHO IS SHE to say that my IPs - or anyone else - should be the ones to save the world and adopt "all the children that need homes"?!!! Are you kidding?! I just dont get it.

    I dont know how to deal with her!! I know Im not going to change her mind, obviously - but I need to make my point loud and clear to her. I suppose Im wasting my time to begin with, but its gotten to the point that something needs to be said!

    For those of you who have dealt with this before, how did you handle it?


    GSX1: Ella Rose 8/7/2011 7lbs 6oz, 19 inches and adorable!!!

  2. #2
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    I know this is easier said than done, but I try to ignore them. I used to be a person who cared very much about what people thought of me and tried to please everyone, this whole process has really changed me ALOT. People are gong to think what they want to think about it and I can't change their mind, so there is no need in me stressing out about it. What's funny is that the people who I thought would be the most supportive and understanding with it really are the ones that aren't and the ones I was afraid of telling just think it's the best thing since sliced bread.

  3. #3
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    My grandma very much disapproved of me being a surrogate. After I found out I was pregnant I let her know and I said something along these lines.

    "I know this is not something you approve of or a decision you yourself would have made, but I did make this decision and I acept what plans God has for me. Please try to be respectful of my decision and understand these people really deserve this."

    She later met my IP's at the girls' birthday party and that really opened her up. I think her seeing they are human too and have wants and dersires just like us helped. Is there any way from your MIL to meet your IP's?

  4. #4
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    Im in the same situation!!! My mother in law calls me a baby seller and swears to all things holy that I had sex with my FIF to get pregnant! :rotfl: This is what I did and so far I havent heard anything since. I sent her an email. I tried to call her but she wouldnt answer. I let her know that I understand that not everyone agrees with surrogacy. I get that. I told her its the ignorance that gets in the way. I went on and on about the procedures we went through and lalala I basically let her know how stupid she sounded and that she isnt hurting anyone but herself and to just stop wasting her time. Then I hit send. :D Good luck to you girl. I know what your going through!

  5. #5
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    I can first say that if it was my MIL who didn't care, I wouldn't give a rats @$$. But for me the narrow minded, unsupportive person is my own mother and that hurts.
    At first I just kind of blew her off and didn't let her get to me. Everytime I had a failed transfer she was so happy. It drove me nuts. She was pretty supportive when I was finally pregnant with my surro twins. But as soon as they were born she said "I'm so glad you got that stupidity out of your system". That stung. So when I decided to do it again I didn't tell my mom until I couldn't hide it anymore (around 18 wks). This time, I mentioned something on FB about considering carrying again. My mom is freaking out. She sent me the nastiest email ever. She said if I carry again I WILL die. She's so dramatic. So when she called to invite my family to Easter I said "Oh, I would, but I've given up traveling via car because I might die in a wreck." She doesn't find the humor. I told her to chill and that I wasn't really thinking about carrying again. Not sure how I'll explain it if I do end up pregnant. Meeting with PIPs tonight, so...
    GSx2

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    I think you already did your part by telling her respectfully. I think it's fine to tell her once that you don't appreciate the way she's speaking about you, but after that I'd leave it alone. It's not your problem. You're happy with your decision so just let her be angry and make herself miserable.

  7. #7
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    I had a friend that says he's very Catholic tell me I was "assisting in the corruption of a child" by carrying for a gay man. I just stopped talking to him. I know you probably can't do that since she's your mil but an explanation email sounds like it might help. In the least it'll get it off your chest and you can put it out of your mind.

    Lisa- I saw your sig line the other day. I really hope you do carry again. I always got the feeling from your posts that you really want to but didn't have the support. Anyway, I'm excited for you and crossing my fingers.

    Twin boys 7/18/12 (37 weeks)
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    Quote Originally Posted by TxMom View Post
    Lisa- I saw your sig line the other day. I really hope you do carry again. I always got the feeling from your posts that you really want to but didn't have the support. Anyway, I'm excited for you and crossing my fingers.
    Thank you!! I hope I can get the guts to go against my mother's wishes. I want to do it for me, this sweet couple, and my own family. I have to remember that I'm a grown-up woman and that I make my own choices.
    GSx2

  9. #9
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    that's awful lynn -- just be honest...good luck!

  10. #10
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    Thanks girls. Theres so much more to the situation than just the surrogacy, and its so sad that shes chosing to cut 2 out of 3 of her grandchildren out of her life just because she doesnt like me and cant be a grown up about it. I'll never understand whats wrong with people. Never. I mean, what makes one granchild better than the others?? I dont get it.


    GSX1: Ella Rose 8/7/2011 7lbs 6oz, 19 inches and adorable!!!

  11. #11
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    I went through this situation with a few different relatives too. After my surrobabe was born I sent out a picture card with my DS's & DH and my IP's and my new surrobabe, along with a letter that explained in detail the struggles, heartbreak and now the joy that my IP's had gone through. Needless to say I had more positive comments back than I expected. The one relative actually asked me for their address to send them a baby gift. Sometimes they just need to learn more about surrogacy and have their eyes and minds opened!

  12. #12
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    For me it is flat out that I DON'T deal with my MIL. If it does not have to do with the kids, or hubby there is NO conversation to be had. She can say whatever she likes and I have already told her to keep it to herself because it falls on deaf ears and I WILL be rude and just walk away. She does not support me doing another journey, never mind for my IF's again and I can give a rats a$$ what she or anyone else for that matter think.




  13. #13
    jlm4 is offline Praying for Ray's family
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    I think writing her a letter is a good idea if it will make YOU feel good. Perhaps you can move on to a place where she doesn't make your blood boil if you get everything down on paper and then release it? Do it if you can see it as a release of your expectations and anger.

    Women like your MIL will never change unless they want to and it sounds like she doesn't have any intention of giving up her attitude about you - she values her positions more than she values people. I'm sorry that she's making you nuts; it must be so hard for you!

    I hope you can get to a place where this awful woman isn't getting under your skin. You're growing a baby - yay! - and it would be so sad if you were to look back on this amazing time with any regret about having let her influence your feelings in a negative way.

    :) Good luck!

    Michelle's Forever IM: Baby Guy Daniel Chief, 5/10
    Always Missing Precious Baby Roger 1/14/09, 33 weeks 5 days

  14. #14
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    So sorry to hear what you are going through. I am having a similar experience with my SIL. She also called me a "baby seller" and that she will never forgive me. Really? I didn't realize she was so important! I know we should all ignore what these people say that is so hurtful. They will never understand. I will say however, that it does hurt. I am sorry for all you girls. I try to remember how joyful I was to carry my little surro-daughter, and the complete utter power of happiness on my IM's face when she saw her daughter for the first moment. These are the moments that matter in life, not what my ignorant SIL believes. I love what I did and no one will ever steal that from me.





  15. #15
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    With my first journey I talked about it with my MIL and she was not thrilled to say the least ... we talked about it briefly occasionally throughout the pregnancy but I do not think she really ever understood my reasoning for wanting to do this wonderful thing.

    This journey I have not even addressed it with her. She is on my FB and so are both my SIL's who live in town with her (we live in another state) .. since I am vocal about my pregnancy and post pictures, I know they all must know that I am pregnant but we NEVER talk about it during our phone calls. I do not need her approval and can understand her hesitations ... so better not address it with her at all. I am sure that at some point the elephant in the room will be addressed but for now I will just let it sit around :rotfl: :rotfl:

  16. #16
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    I understand what you are going through. :(

    We too sat down with all of our family prior to our 1st journey. The only difference was ALL of our family told us it was wonderful and they supported us. Fast forward 7 months into the pregnancy. I am obviously HUGE and pregnant, and we show up to Colorado Springs for Rob's grandmothers funeral. We were staying with my MIL and her husband.

    I waddle in after traveling for 8 hours, exhausted, uncomfortable, sad from watching my husband cry all day and my MIL's first words were, "Tomorrow at the funeral, all the people there think this baby is yours" What?!? My MIL is a Deacon in the church and told the whole church, including the ministry that Rob and I were pregnant with our own baby because "she was too embarrassed to reveal it was a surrogacy." I had to lie to the minister the next day. I couldn't make myself tell on my MIL. I wanted to focus on the day of losing Rob's grandma and not make a spectacle of it.

    Then MIL's husband got drunk at dinner that night. 10 of us sitting around the dinner table and proceeds to tell me, "As a Christian I can't believe you are giving your baby away. What would God think." Seriously. One of the worst days ever. Thankfully my husband is 1) my biggest supporter 2) a very big man 3) not afraid to be direct and abrupt and stood up in front of all of his family to say he didn't give 2 sh!ts what they thought, that in his eyes I was an angel, giving the gift the few do and creating a family. I will never forget what he said before he walked away. "If you knew Jim and Leigh, you would understand why we are doing this. There aren't better people in this world, who want a baby so badly, that will love him forever. And God will bless them everyday."

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your MIL likes to be involved in everyone's business. That would drive me bat sh!t crazy!! We aren't even telling Rob's family about this journey. We won't make any trips to COS, I won't be posting about it on FB, I won't be emailing updates like before. It is sad I will have to keep a secret, but it what is best.

    05/2010: TS X 1
    05/2011: On meds for 56 days, embryos didn't make it to day 5
    11/2011: New IP's. Transferred 2 - 5 day blasts - BFN :(
    05/03/2012: Transfer #2 with same IP's, new ED. After 2 1/2 weeks on meds, ED had cyst that required surgery.

    Back at the drawing board!

  17. #17
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    People have given you some really great advice. I'm gonna say this... (with my bad attitude). Forget her. You're right, you're a grown woman who is living HER life. You don't need someone, much less a mother-in-law's approval to do a dang thing! I wouldn't waste a breath on cussing her out cause it ain't gonna change a darn thing. She's still gonna be in the running for most miserable person and you're still going to be happily pregnant, preparing to bless this sweet baby's parents in a few months. She can piss off! I would also post that on facebook and tell her to get her panties outta a budge if she ever wants to remain in her grandkids' lives. She really only has one choice! GROW UP.

    2/17/12 :bfp: 6dp3dt
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  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mother79 View Post
    People have given you some really great advice. I'm gonna say this... (with my bad attitude). Forget her. You're right, you're a grown woman who is living HER life. You don't need someone, much less a mother-in-law's approval to do a dang thing! I wouldn't waste a breath on cussing her out cause it ain't gonna change a darn thing. She's still gonna be in the running for most miserable person and you're still going to be happily pregnant, preparing to bless this sweet baby's parents in a few months. She can piss off! I would also post that on facebook and tell her to get her panties outta a budge if she ever wants to remain in her grandkids' lives. She really only has one choice! GROW UP.
    Thats the thing - shes not even involved in ANY of our lives right now, with the exception of my stepdaughter! She hasnt seen my kids in over 8 months. Shes not even speaking to us!!!

    She is, apparently, a very miserable person - who thinks she can be in charge, and doesnt like it when she isnt I guess. And I wonder where my SDD gets it from?!!!


    GSX1: Ella Rose 8/7/2011 7lbs 6oz, 19 inches and adorable!!!

  19. #19
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    I don't deal with them. Period. My parents are unsupportive. Many of my co-workers are unsupportive and narrow minded. No matter how much we hate it, they are entitled to their opinions. We are entitled to ours. Neither party is entitled to be rude but they are entitled to ignore you while you do something they don't approve of. It sucks but there you have it. My parents didn't even know I was pregnant last time until 37 weeks. I told them before I came up for Thanksgiving and asked if I was still invited. We did not discuss the pregnancy at all. I don't tell co-workers until it is blatantly obvious. When they make a snide remark I say, "I'm sorry you feel that way but I don't want to discuss it." It takes ALOT to take the higher road but I try to. Good luck.
    GSx1 to the Boston twins 12/06
    GSx2 to the ESBs 5/08
    GSx3 to the ESS 12/10
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  20. #20
    jlm4 is offline Praying for Ray's family
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    Quote Originally Posted by chelelyn View Post
    Thankfully my husband is 1) my biggest supporter 2) a very big man 3) not afraid to be direct and abrupt and stood up in front of all of his family to say he didn't give 2 sh!ts what they thought, that in his eyes I was an angel, giving the gift the few do and creating a family. I will never forget what he said before he walked away. "If you knew Jim and Leigh, you would understand why we are doing this. There aren't better people in this world, who want a baby so badly, that will love him forever. And God will bless them everyday."
    We already loved you and Rob before this happened and we loved you even more after. xoxo

    Michelle's Forever IM: Baby Guy Daniel Chief, 5/10
    Always Missing Precious Baby Roger 1/14/09, 33 weeks 5 days

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