Not being sad when saying good bye

[Kristinatx9]

Ok so this question popped in my head while reading the other post about not being sad when we said good bye to our surro-babies.

I have had many ppl ask how can I let the baby go?

Why am I not sad is it because to me its just a business deal

How do you respond to ppl when they don't understand your emotions and how you handle the end of the journey?

[surrolena]

I basically tell people that the ending place is different b/c the whole journey to get there is different so the emotions are not comparable to when we gave birth to our own babies.

I just love it when people say *I* could never give up a baby with the air of superiority. As if they are a better person than me.

[McheleM]

I am going through this right now with a family member.

My dad acts like I sold his grand-daughter or something. I can't make him understand that she was not MINE, therefore not his grand-child.

He actually asked me last night if "you got that out of your system and can go back to being mom and wife now"


UGH.

[JennyLou]

I usually relate it to a babysitter. When you take your child to a babysitter, you expect that babysitter to give your child all the love and care they can while they are with them - but when it's time to go home, it's just that - time to go home. So my being a carrier is just the same only for a longer period of time. I babysit for 9 months and then the parents come to "pick up" their child(ren).

If they don't get that, it's not really worth explaining - so I get frustrated and say yup, I sold the baby and I really don't care..... oh the looks LOL

[McheleM]

If they don't get that, it's not really worth explaining - so I get frustrated and say yup, I sold the baby and I really don't care..... oh the looks LOL

This is what my DH told me last night. I have been trying for 3 yrs to make my dad understand that just because I carried her and delivered her does not make me her mom. He swears one day I will have to answer questions to her about why I gave her up. I didn't give her UP, I gave her BACK.

I even tried the cake analogy-" my best friend has all the ingredients for a cake, mixes them in the bowl, puts them in the pan and then discovers her oven is broke. She comes over to use my oven. That doesn't make it my cake. Its still her cake, she just used my oven to bake it in. "

He still doesn't get it. He made me feel dirty and wrong yesterday. Like we did some drug deal in the parking lot and exchanged the baby for a big fat check.
Oh well.

[peachysurro]

When I first became a GS there was an awesome video=I think it's still floating around UTUBE about infertility...and that is what I would tell people to go watch--that the reasons listed in that video are how/why I can grow a baby and then watch my IPs go home with it...That video said it all for me!! If they couldn't watch the video, or didn't care to, I would say "Because I love my kids and want to help others experience that great love!!"If they don't get "that" kind of love, well, then it probably doesn't matter what I say to them!!

[tm501]

The baby is where he belongs- with his parents. It's not my baby, I'm the stork

That usually shut people up!

[loveinmyheart]

This thread is so helpful to not only me but probably a lot of first time GS. I needed to read this, first because my father is going to be the tough one. I may have a few girlfriends who will say the same "how can you just give up the baby"
Well Dah because I don't take what doesn't belong to me. The answers you ladies gave are some good ones. After the thread gets longer, I'm going to print it and put it in my pocket book... haha
But on the other hand the few that I told are very proud of me and do understand infertility!!

[Jmommybear]

I am going through this right now with a family member.

My dad acts like I sold his grand-daughter or something. I can't make him understand that she was not MINE, therefore not his grand-child.

He actually asked me last night if "you got that out of your system and can go back to being mom and wife now"


UGH.

With this as a perfect example, I'll say that some people just aren't going to "get it".. In which case you need to simply save your breath and put your energy into something WORTH your time.

[riverwalk]

I just love it when people say *I* could never give up a baby with the air of superiority. As if they are a better person than me.

Yeah, I got that once... from a local snob. I replied: Ew, youd make a crappy surrogate!

I just tell people that some of us can be surrogates, and others cant. I think only another surro can relate- there is a definite detachment that many of us have felt, that really isnt very describable. its just.... there.

andi

[akamom]

This is what my DH told me last night. I have been trying for 3 yrs to make my dad understand that just because I carried her and delivered her does not make me her mom. He swears one day I will have to answer questions to her about why I gave her up. I didn't give her UP, I gave her BACK.

I even tried the cake analogy-" my best friend has all the ingredients for a cake, mixes them in the bowl, puts them in the pan and then discovers her oven is broke. She comes over to use my oven. That doesn't make it my cake. Its still her cake, she just used my oven to bake it in. "

He still doesn't get it. He made me feel dirty and wrong yesterday. Like we did some drug deal in the parking lot and exchanged the baby for a big fat check.
Oh well.

Oh hon, Im sorry your dad is making you feel bad. *hugs*
I LOVE your cake analogy - its perfect.


I have alot - and I mean ALOT of people say to me "Wow, I give you alot of credit. I dont know how you can give that baby up. I dont think I could give up a baby" Well, thanks for the credit, and if you dont think you would be able to "give up" a baby, then you definitely should not be a surrogate! It wont be MY baby, so I wont be giving him or her UP. I use the babysitting analagy alot. Im babysitting, and his/her parents will be coming to take her home. The end.

Some people really just wont ever get it, though.

My inlaws werent very receptive to the idea of us doing a surrogacy when we first brought the idea up to my MIL 2 years ago. Because of that, we havent discussed anything with them since then. We decided when there is a BABY to tell about, then we will tell. Until then, we just keep it to ourselves. No use in getting anyone upset about anything when there isnt anything to be upset about yet. I have a feeling I will be dealing with this alot more once I am pregnant, though. We'll see I guess....

[Voodoo Kitten]

I just love it when people say *I* could never give up a baby with the air of superiority. As if they are a better person than me.

I've heard that same line countless times, but not with the superiority thing, they usually complement me and tell me it takes a special person to be a surrogate. I guess I am lucky in that regard. Or I'm just big and intimidating

I didn't give her UP, I gave her BACK.

I say this same thing a lot, tends to make them think.... well, some of them at least.

I just tell people that some of us can be surrogates, and others cant. I think only another surro can relate- there is a definite detachment that many of us have felt, that really isnt very describable. its just.... there.

I think this is a great point!!!

[hopefulfirefly]

These people obviously cannot relate to surrogate OR intended parents...do they live in a bubble or something? I understand that surrogacy isn't an extremely popular topic of conversation...but, they ask you this question as if to judge you. I'd love to explain to them what so many of us go through to become parents and how it's only possible with the love and dedication of surrogates...and hopefully the happiness and joy that you bring to your IP's is enough to help you not feel sad.

[Kristinatx9]

I just love it when people say *I* could never give up a baby with the air of superiority. As if they are a better person than me.

You thats so true I have gotten that and I just say I don't want someone else's baby if I want more kids I want kids withmy own crappy DNA hahaha but really I am lucky that everyone close to me totally gets it.

[Jennifer132]

I think it's hard for people to understand because with our own pregnancies we spend the whole pregnancy anticipating the birth of a new family member. In a surrogacy, from the start we have in our minds that the baby isn't for us. It's not that you don't care for the child, but it's just that you've known and prepared yourself for what the situation is--that you are having a child for someone else.

[OfficerAndy]

I am a man, so def not a surrogate but to try to explain something to people who will never have any idea of what you mentally are going through is so tough.

I would think saying something along the lines of I embarked on this journey to help another couple who has gone through hell, realize their dreams(or maybe its not a couple, maybe its a single male, single female,gay etc) I want them to experience parenthood as I have. So while of course I have positive emotions about the baby I carried, I realize my responsibility is to help someone become a parent, and the part I played was a great gift and that you would be sad keeping a child that was created to help a deserving parent.

Or if you don't like what I wrote just ignore it, lol. Just know you are doing a wonderful thing

[lisafdoula]

I am going through this right now with a family member.

My dad acts like I sold his grand-daughter or something. I can't make him understand that she was not MINE, therefore not his grand-child.

He actually asked me last night if "you got that out of your system and can go back to being mom and wife now"


UGH.

My mom acted that way this time too. Like, okay, now can we be done and move on with our lives?? I'm done, but that's not why.
So, it's 4am, my first night home from the hospital after having my surro baby. It's totally bittersweet. It feels good to not be pregnant, I don't miss the baby, I sort of miss my IPs a little, but mostly the sad feeling that I get is that I did a HUGE thing, and how do I top that? Now what? I need something. Tomorrow I'll face the real world again, and not one person out there will know what I just did. That's the shocker for me.

[Lunar]

Well, I was sad at the good-bye! But it was more of a happy-sad, if that makes sense. I cried because I was going to miss them all, I cried because we were at the end of such an intimate journey, I cried because I was overcome with joy and pride seeing my IFs take home their daughters. I WAS sad, but not regretful. And there was incredible happiness mixed with it, too. I don't usually explain all of that to people, because I think unless you're a surrogate, you can't understand the bittersweetness of saying goodbye to your surrobabe and IPs. For me, it was NEVER a business deal. I love my FIFs and my surrogate babies. :

[Voodoo Kitten]

My mom acted that way this time too. Like, okay, now can we be done and move on with our lives?? I'm done, but that's not why.
So, it's 4am, my first night home from the hospital after having my surro baby. It's totally bittersweet. It feels good to not be pregnant, I don't miss the baby, I sort of miss my IPs a little, but mostly the sad feeling that I get is that I did a HUGE thing, and how do I top that? Now what? I need something. Tomorrow I'll face the real world again, and not one person out there will know what I just did. That's the shocker for me.

**HUGS** again!! I felt/probably will feel again the same way.....like "what's next?". I am lucky to live in a small town and everyone I see on a regular basis knows I am a surrogate, (plus my license plate frame says so too ), so I know I will have some support while at the grocery store and the coffee shop, ect. But I get what you're saying.

I think that's a great thing about the board. Once you get past the petty arguments and trolls, we all have been through the same emotions and can help support each other when not everybody understands our unique experiences as surrogates.

[surrodebbie]

I hate when I get asked won't it be hard to give the baby up.? .......ummmm after 5 days of breastfeeding screaming twins every 3 hrs ??? UMMMM....nooooo!
The only kids I am getting up w/every 2 hrs at home are my own!
Why in the HELL would I want to keep somebody elses KIDS??????

That usually shuts them up!