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Thread: For the IP's via TS

  1. #21
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    I have to agree with Wendy. It's not an easy thing to do. It is so worth it tho. I felt like I was given just what I needed in those difficult few weeks after the baby was born. My IF's just seemed to know what I needed and the gave it to me.

    Lots and I mean LOTS of pics. Especially in the beginning. Just call us and let us know how things are going. Check on us and let us know you are thinking about us. You may think you are bothering us, but you're not. We love to hear from you.

    I'm glad my IF's were really great about doing these things because I don't think I would have asked for them.

    I was invited to visit when Bella was just a month or so old and spent all kinds of time with her. Holding her, feeding her, spending time with the guys and seeing how Bella fit into their family. I got to see just how much she was loved. It was just what I needed to move on with my life.

    I highly reccomend doing this if it's possible. That visit was a godsend for me.
    Last edited by baby4u2; 01-18-2009 at 07:03 PM.

  2. #22
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    I'll be following this post a lot. It's easy to assume how we might feel being a TS but reading how others have felt and what made it better will sure help.
    Kari
    Mom to Savanna (2003), Robert (2004) and Lilliann (2008)
    SurroMom to Tyler (2009), twins Emily and Joshua (2010) and Marie (2012).
    Retired and working on me now.
    Missing my friend Ray and father to Tyler, Emily and Joshua. Taken from this life by cancer too soon. You will never be forgotten. RIP 1-13-13

  3. #23
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    I think what hurts the mostest. ..

    When I do/did get pictures, I see my IP's and the surro-children on vacations, and I wonder, why can't they stop here and visit with us. My family.

    My family does not have the funds to travel nor the availability.

    They go here and there and take pictures of it, I see them with friends and family from "other places". And that makes me feel sh!t on.

    But I am not sad or bitter about it, it just is how it is... And if they didn't consider my feelings while I was pregnant why would I expect it afterwards.

    I wouldn't even mind being a layover visit.

    Instead, I will go 18 years before I see any of my TS babes. I can almost guarantee it. I am ok with it.

    As I have said before, prepare for the worst and be thrilled with the best.
    Mom to 5.
    TS 4X
    Lied to by IP's #4, hope they don't screw another person over.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Looking2BGSinOR View Post
    I'll be following this post a lot. It's easy to assume how we might feel being a TS but reading how others have felt and what made it better will sure help.
    This is another reason I wanted to start this thread. There are a lot of first time TS's on here right now and you may not know what you will need after the birth so you may not know what to tell your IP's if and when they ask. Even me, what I needed after Audrey's birth was different than what I've needed after Logan. I'm hoping that this thread helps other surrogates avoid at least some of the pain that comes along with being a TS. Or if a TS isn't comfortable telling her IP's what she needs, she can just direct them to this thread for ideas.

    I really hope it helps.

    Helping gay men become daddies since 2006!
    My beautiful surro-babies are not missing from my life . . . they are completeing someone else's.

  5. #25
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    Wendy, very good thread idea!! Thank you for starting it - there have been several great things shared already, many of the same thoughts I have. And I'm sorry it's so long, but I'm responding to several replies at once and getting it ALL out in one shot for myself too!! :D


    I want to start this by saying that I am all about honesty, and maintaining a connection and relationship together when it comes to TS. TS is a FOREVER connection between you and your children and your TS, whether you want it to be that way or not.

    #1 - make sure you are REALLY ready for this journey. That should mean that you have accepted everything about it, and you are prepared to take on the needs and emotions of the person carrying your baby for you.


    #2 - do not make promises you cannot keep. Only match with someone who has the same expectations as you, and if you are unsure of anything the TS desires, please don't take the risk of matching w/ her and possibly hurting her beyond repair.

    #3 - I will say it again like the others - early on after that birth, send pictures, emails, texts, make a quick phone call - whatever!! Anything to let your TS know you haven't forgotten her. And though it will not be near as often as time goes on, of course, don't ever stop doing these things!!

    #4 - plan a visit within a couple months of the birth, and perhaps (at least) once a year from then on.


    Those 4 basic things said, I wanted to quote and respond to some of the posts I really liked and agreed with!!

    Quote Originally Posted by ShannonM1976 View Post

    Be honest.

    Be real.

    Be willing to talk through any fears that come up instead of run from them.

    Don't shut your TS out. It won't help anything and will only add more trouble down the road when that cute little baby you're holding is all grown up.

    Don't use the child/ren as an excuse for being too busy to send a pic or answer an email. That's a huge slap in the face. It's like saying we(the parents) got what we want now we have no need to bother with you(the TS) anymore.

    Don't go into TS just to save a few bucks. Go into it because you fully intend to honor the sacrifices and connections that come along with it. Going into it for the right reasons will put you in a better place to do what you need to in order not to hurt your TS or the child.
    Very well put!! My IP's possessed all of these things/abilities, and I know that is why it has all gone so well for us!!! :HEARTSMIL

    I especially want to touch upon the part about honoring the connections that come along with TS...I have actually never expected the connection to my being a TS to be talked about all the time, in terms of *honoring* it, but honesty & comfort for all of us was very important to me! and luckily my IP's feel the exact same way! One thing that really makes me PROUD of my IM Elaine, is that she is not afraid to talk about my connection with Sydney & Adrian. It makes me smile and cry at the same time, because she actually goes above and beyond all my expectations, and it makes me so happy that I helped THEM become parents as a TS.

    So my advice for this is find a comfort in what TS means, and don't be afraid to share those thoughts and feelings with your TS once the baby(ies) are here. I'll give you an example...the other day I was talking to Elaine and she was telling me cute little stories about Sydney & Adrian, and one thing she said about Sydney in the middle of this is, "She is such a little mini Holly, it's so sweet - I see you in her all the time, and she always wants to be a mommy, just like you Holly!!" I was just sitting there listeing in such awe and admiration for ELAINE in being able to share those thoughts with me. THAT was priceless and I was on top of the world!!!

    Then she continued with more stories...she was talking about Adrian playing the role as Sydney's baby, and how he called out "mommy, mommy" and Elaine asked, "yes Adrian?" and he said back to her, "no, Sydney is my mommy - oh, but you're still my mommy too, I have 2 mommies!" and then Elaine played along and told him, "You are SO lucky to have 2 mommies who love you!!" but that she thought to herself, "Well actually you have 3 mommies who love you, but you don't quite know that yet" Again, wow!!

    I was smiling and crying listening to her. They were tears of joy of course!! Joy at her willingness to share their lives with me, and joy at her ability to accept and love and cherish our connection together!! Do I *need* to hear these things to be ok, no. Did I ever expect my IM to tell me things like this, no. I've already got everything I need from them to feel happy & content with our TS journey together - but wow, when she says things like this it makes me feel incredibly loved and special and remembered and *honored*! And that is why we can go weeks without a phone call or pictures at this stage, and then pick right back up where we left off, everytime! And I don't ever have to question where I stand in their lives, it's pretty obvious! :D


    And I'm not saying ALL TS journey's should or could be exactly like this, because I know there will be varying levels of comfort and desire and expectations in IP's and TS's....I'm just trying to give an inside look into a REAL and very good TS relationship, and to explain how and why it IS so good! :D And I also don't want IP's to be afraid of being this close and open and honest with their TS, because it can actually be a huge benefit to all of you - and if you don't know about relationships like this, how would you ever know how good it can really be when things ARE like this?




    Quote Originally Posted by Jmommybear View Post
    I don't think you have to be a TS or TS-IP to know that "we're too busy" is a piss-poor excuse for not contacting your TS in the days and weeks after the birth to ease the transition. It truly only takes a few minutes/seconds to email or text a quick, "he/she's doing great", "we're doing great", "we're thinking of you", or "how you doing?". All they need to know is that they aren't forgot or used and that they made (as they already feel) the right choice in IPs and that they placed a baby with loving, caring and considerate people. It doesn't mean they will change their mind and want the baby, it doesn't mean they want your un-dying gratitude. They just want to know that the IPs and the baby(ies) are well and they are not cast aside. :2cents:

    Absolutely!!! There is just NO excuse for not sending a quick email or text or a few pictures every so often, or an occasional phone call - on your own. It's 5-10 minutes of your life, but it's the WORLD to your TS, especially during the first couple of months after the birth!! We all know that life goes on and communication doesn't need to be constant and it will slow down after awhile - but you should at least give your TS the same consideration you give to your friends and family members in terms of updates and pictures or quick *hello and how are you?" notes/calls.




    Quote Originally Posted by HopefulSM View Post
    First I wanted to add something I thought of. Please initiate contact with your TS, don't just respond to what she does. Always having to be the one to initiate feels like begging for contact or pictures and is so painful. And I so agree with the comment about not saying you are too busy because of the baby. It is a huge slap in the face and does not help.

    Also email pictures to your surrogate before you post them online if you intend to do so. Seeing that they were posted but not sent . . . well it's not a great feeling.

    Allowing your surrogate to visit a few months (like 2) after the birth and letting her see the baby home with you can really offer a lot of closure and healing. I highly suggest this for all TS's.



    What helped me was my IF's staying in the area for a few days after the birth. My first IF's stayed a week and it was like a gradual change. I went from being with the baby all the time in the hospital, to seeing her for hours every day, to her being gone. I really think that helped me so much. My more recent IF's had been here for several weeks before Logan was born and were anxious to get home. Though I understood why they left so fast after the birth, it made things much more painful for me. I would suggest to IP's via TS to plan to stay at least a week after the baby is born for your surrogate's sake. I know once the baby is born you are ready to get home and start your new life but she may need the few extra days. It's not too much to ask for someone who has given you so much.




    My IP's stayed for a week after Sydney's birth and it was perfect...I needed that time with *them* to see them with their new baby and for it to not just *go away* too fast for me. It was a good amount for that transition time...and it really is a HUGE transition for the SM/TS. You have the rest of your life with your new baby, so allow your TS to have a few extra days with all of you together. We also had visits when she was 6 weeks old and 6 months old, and it was awesome!!!


    However, the same thing happened to me Wendy, after the birth of my 2nd TS babe - we thought Adrian was coming early, so they came 10 days earlier than planned...by the time he was born on his due date, they had been here for 2 weeks & they were really anxious to get home, so they left when he was 4 days old. It was all over WAY TOO fast for me...I was a total wreck and cried a lot!! Honestly, I just needed another 1-2 days with them and I would have been fine. I should have spoken up...but I did understand why they wanted to get back to their own home after being gone that long, so I didn't.


    But...they of course made sure to call, email and send pics on a regular basis starting right away...and that obviously helped greatly, and within a few weeks it was all ok!! Then, due to some health issues that Elaine was going through, they had to put off their return visit until Adrian was a bit over 8 months old to finalize his *adoption* for Elaine, luckily we were extremely busy with a lot of our own major life changes that the time seemed to pass quickly...but again, it was a really fun visit and something we all *needed* as the family who helped Elaine & Dave to create their family!



    And one of the best things now...is they asked me to come watch Sydney & Adrian in May when they go on thir 20th Anniversary vacation for 2 weeks! What an honor! I cannot wait!!! :D

    My IP's & I live 18 hours apart, so frequent visits are not possible...but if a visit is ever possible, we make it happen. So....my advice, do the same!! And if you can vacation together once a year, do it!! If you need a babysitter and live close enough for her to drive over...ask her!! If you need a week long babysitter for a vacation you are taking, ask her!! All of these things are excellent ways to keep a good relationship going and for her to feel like you still trust her with your child, and still want to be a part of her life too!!
    Holly ~ wife & mom to 4
    GSx1 ~ twin girls 2/11/2000
    TSx2 to siblings ~ Sydney 1/8/04 & Adrian 11/15/05

  6. #26
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    I'm a 3 time TS. 1 bad and 2 good journies.

    I will start with BEFORE you get pregnant..make sure you understand what your TS wants out of the relationship. For me..i dont beat around the bush. I make it very clear that this is my biological child here and i have children that will be their step sibling and this will make us all "one big FAMILY". So contact after birth is a big thing with me.

    Make sure you talk with your TS about this. If you cant handle all the "connections" that come with TS then re think your decision. Granted..not all TS feel the same way i do. BUT they may end up feeling that way by the time its all over.
    TS is a life long connection no matter how you look at it.

    That being said...moving on
    During Pregnancy-Dont read too much into what your TS says about her feelings towards the baby. As i tell all my IM's...of course i will love this baby just as much as you. Of course i will want to hug and cuddle and kiss the baby. And my kids will too. Yes..i will call the baby MY surro baby. Does any of this mean i want to keep the baby? Nope. It means its natural to feel this way.

    One thing i can say i have learned. I used to keep my.."pains and discomforts" to myself because i knew that my IM would of gladly took that pain or morning sickness any day of the week. But i learned that even so...your IM wants to know these things. It makes her a part of the pregnancy. Yes..you may feel like your complaining all the time..but still..its a real part of pregnancy and being honest wont hurt her..but make her a part of it. Talk to you IM about this. And IM's... tell your surro is OK for her to complain and complain and be honest about the pregnancy with you. (if your OK with it)

    For me..i always liked hearing about how EXCITED my IP's were. Seeing pics of babys room...outfits they buy. Remember IP's...your surro dont get to do any of that this time....but we LOVE to see and hear your excitment!

    The most important thing for me that made the biggest difference was the time i got with the baby after birth. Both my IP's were wonderful enough to allow me alone time with the baby. For IP's this i'm sure is one of the hardest things i think you will do over the course of the surrogacy. To wait so long for your baby and them be born and want nothing more than to have them in your arms and not let go. But...my IM's allowed me to spend the night with the baby alone. They left that evening and came back in the morning. That is such a special time for me and my family.
    To be able to hold and look and do whatever you want to do without eyes looking at your every move. I mean a TS carries that baby for 9 months...is one more night not too much to ask? As IP's..you will have a lifetime.. please let your TS have some time too.

    Even if its not all night..give her 5 hours or so. Enough that its not rushed. And dont hang around...give her alone time.

    Then for me...it was also so helpful that they stayed a few days after. It was wonderful to have time NOT in the hospital and to be able to see them in a family setting. I get to see them interact with the baby..see how they parent..how they love the baby. It did my heart wonders in how i did emotionally afterwards i believe.

    With my second IP's we were in the hospital a couple days so we all got to just hang out. With my third IP's they stayed over a few days and my hubby and IF went to one of my girls softball games while me and IM and the rest of the girls just hung out. My girls got to spend time with the baby and hold her and feed her and just BE WITH HER.

    Rememberthe children of your TS are that babys siblings and they are just as much of the pregnancy as anyone. At least for my girls...they wanted just as much as anyone to have that "special time" My girls need that closure just like i do. It helps with the transition.

    And having all that time...i think when they left...it made me ready for them to leave.
    If i didnt get that time..i think i would not have dont so well after, nor would my girls.

    The first 3 weeks is the hardest. IP's...send pics AND updates. Dont wait several days. Once again..we want and need to hear how happy you are..see pics of the baby in their new home...with your family. We need that sense of...they are all OK.

    For me..the more i hear from IP's..the more pics i see..the better i do. With my first journey(the one that went bad)...i didnt get any and i felt like i was dying after. And i do mean dying. I longed to know how he was...how they were as a family...to hear his cry. It was bad. And my IF could have made it MUCH better for me but he chose not to. To sum that up....no not make promises for after birth contact if you dont plan to really do it. Its not fair to anyone. The TS..her family or your child.

    Both my IP's came to visit us for the babys first birthday and i just can never say how special that was to me. And because we dont live close...like Jenn said...we dont always have the funds to take vacations and travel to be the ones to go visit...so that visit was so special to me and my family. BUT both IP's have made it clear that we are always welcome to visit whenever we want. I just wish we were able to. But its still nice to know you have that open invitation.
    But yes...IP's if you can...please visit with your surro.

    And tell your surro about all the little things your baby does and is doing. What foods they like..how they act..all the things any surro mom would like to hear. You will never know how special they are to hear.

    I'll write more later tomorrow maybe..i got to go to bed!!!!!:@

  7. #27
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    Thank you so much for posting this thread. I am less than a month away from delivering my first surro traditional son and I was starting to get nervous about how I would feel afterward. Hearing what helped you guys has helped me alot!

  8. #28
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    I guess I need to post things from a different point of view.

    I dearly appreciate updates from my IF's. But at times it can be a bit much. She's not my child and while I agree that a lot of contact right after birth is a good thing, it can become a bit much after a while. I understand that new parents want/need to brag about their baby and all the wonderful achievments they have. But to be honest, I am not all that interested in other peoples babies. A little is fine, I like that.

    Oh, and I much, much more appreciate a good, long email, than a "thinking of you" and nothing more. I'd rather have a 10 minute email once a week or every other week, than the short ones that just kinda leave you hanging.


    And what does this show? Again, that communication is the ultimate key. People are different, even TS's, so one need to talk and ask, not just do. I think this thread is great to give an input to how people feel, but ultimately the IP/surro still need to do it their way. :)

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfish View Post
    Oh, and I much, much more appreciate a good, long email, than a "thinking of you" and nothing more. I'd rather have a 10 minute email once a week or every other week, than the short ones that just kinda leave you hanging.


    I would have to agree with this!!! :)

    I think at first, if you at least send the quickie *hello, thinking of you* notes/emails/texts 1-2 times a week, along with at least 1 decent email or phone call to fill your surro in on how you and the baby are doing, that would be great!! After awhile a decent sized email w/ a couple new pics, or sincere phone call once every few weeks would be nice!

    Elaine & I email once every couple weeks on average (sometimes more - it just depends what we're talking about/what's going on) and of course we send each other random jokes, or a cool picture or forwarded email, just like we do with other friends/family. And we tend to have a good long phone call about once every couple of months...and this is what feels good for us. And let me just say...honestly, we never discussed the amount of contact we would have afterwards, other than just saying we would always be in each others lives. This is just how it all turned out, and it's just right for us!



    I understand that every TS and IP is going to be different and will have different expectations...just make sure match with someone who wants the same things as you!! ;-)
    Holly ~ wife & mom to 4
    GSx1 ~ twin girls 2/11/2000
    TSx2 to siblings ~ Sydney 1/8/04 & Adrian 11/15/05

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by imomx4 View Post

    I think at first, if you at least send the quickie *hello, thinking of you* notes/emails/texts 1-2 times a week, along with at least 1 decent email or phone call to fill your surro in on how you and the baby are doing, that would be great!!
    Especially on how you are doing. I miss having updates about them. They have started slightly more now, but for a while it was baby, baby, baby. As I said before, some baby is wonderful, all baby is too much, for me.

  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfish View Post
    Especially on how you are doing. I miss having updates about them.
    I totally agree! I've known my IF's a lot longer than I've known the baby. I was surprised to find how much I missed them! I love hearing how they are doing and how they are coping with life with Logan. I love knowing how their lives have changed.

    Helping gay men become daddies since 2006!
    My beautiful surro-babies are not missing from my life . . . they are completeing someone else's.

  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by sprouts mom View Post
    For me..i always liked hearing about how EXCITED my IP's were. Seeing pics of babys room...outfits they buy. Remember IP's...your surro dont get to do any of that this time....but we LOVE to see and hear your excitment!

    The most important thing for me that made the biggest difference was the time i got with the baby after birth. Both my IP's were wonderful enough to allow me alone time with the baby. For IP's this i'm sure is one of the hardest things i think you will do over the course of the surrogacy. To wait so long for your baby and them be born and want nothing more than to have them in your arms and not let go. But...my IM's allowed me to spend the night with the baby alone. They left that evening and came back in the morning. That is such a special time for me and my family.
    To be able to hold and look and do whatever you want to do without eyes looking at your every move. I mean a TS carries that baby for 9 months...is one more night not too much to ask? As IP's..you will have a lifetime.. please let your TS have some time too.

    Even if its not all night..give her 5 hours or so. Enough that its not rushed. And dont hang around...give her alone time.

    Then for me...it was also so helpful that they stayed a few days after. It was wonderful to have time NOT in the hospital and to be able to see them in a family setting. I get to see them interact with the baby..see how they parent..how they love the baby. It did my heart wonders in how i did emotionally afterwards i believe.

    With my second IP's we were in the hospital a couple days so we all got to just hang out. With my third IP's they stayed over a few days and my hubby and IF went to one of my girls softball games while me and IM and the rest of the girls just hung out. My girls got to spend time with the baby and hold her and feed her and just BE WITH HER.

    Rememberthe children of your TS are that babys siblings and they are just as much of the pregnancy as anyone. At least for my girls...they wanted just as much as anyone to have that "special time" My girls need that closure just like i do. It helps with the transition.



    And tell your surro about all the little things your baby does and is doing. What foods they like..how they act..all the things any surro mom would like to hear. You will never know how special they are to hear.

    I'll write more later tomorrow maybe..i got to go to bed!!!!!:@



    Kim, you expressed everything in your post very well!!! I just wanted to quote these few paragraphs, as I also feel these are very important too!!

    I didn't get the alone time with my TS babies in the way you described, but I did have a little bit of random alone time with them right after the birth - in the hospital and at my house when we came home - more so with Adrian. But I didn't actually feel a need for it or ask for it - if I had, I know E&D would have been totally fine with it though. That said, it would have been really nice to have a few hours to check the little one out and care for them a bit on my own. I have however, had several opportunities as they were growing into older babies and toddlers and preschoolers to spend alone time with them, and it is always a lot of fun!


    As for my kids...it was VERY important for me to have my kids be a part of their life from the beginning, and to allow them to spend time with the kids too. My kids LOVE Sydney & Adrian and they love hearing about them just as much as I do!! And I know Elaine & Dave also place importance on their bio connection as well. I remember as Elaine pondered our plans for a sibling project when Sydney was still a baby, she said something to the effect of, "I'm just so happy to know that even if we never have another baby, Sydney will never be an only child - she will always have her 4 siblings in IL!!" She also went on to say that even with the age gap between Sydney & Jordan, she was happy that Sydney will always have a big sister to look up to or turn to.

    I wanted to share a couple of pictures to show how amazing the relationship can be between the children...

    Here is a picture of my DD Jordan with Sydney & Adrian in Sept 2007...when Elaine & Dave flew her out there to spend 2 weeks with them:



    This is Peyton & Holden with Adrian the day we brought him home;


    Dylan, making Sydney laugh;


    Peyton & Sydney Feb 2005...he came with me to CT for our IVF cycle when we got pregnant with Adrian, and he could not wait to hold Sydney!!


    Same thing for Peyton after Sydney was born...he was very attached to my belly, and would talk to Sydney and shine a flash light to my belly to wake her up and get her to move...he was SO proud and so excited once she was finally born:



    Here they all are together, right before my IP's flew home after Adrian's birth:




    I have a ton of pictures that tells our story....but those are my favorite pics of the kids together and I just love looking at them!!




    And just for fun...here is when we first met in April 2001, and here we are again over 4 1/2 years later with 2 new people added to the group!!! :HEARTSMIL







    And 8 months after that:





    This is TS at it's finest! I think, anyway!!! :D
    Holly ~ wife & mom to 4
    GSx1 ~ twin girls 2/11/2000
    TSx2 to siblings ~ Sydney 1/8/04 & Adrian 11/15/05

  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by HopefulSM View Post
    I totally agree! I've known my IF's a lot longer than I've known the baby. I was surprised to find how much I missed them! I love hearing how they are doing and how they are coping with life with Logan. I love knowing how their lives have changed.
    Exactly ~ I love hearing about Elaine & Dave too...I want to hear it all!! :D
    Holly ~ wife & mom to 4
    GSx1 ~ twin girls 2/11/2000
    TSx2 to siblings ~ Sydney 1/8/04 & Adrian 11/15/05

  14. #34
    CariHa is offline letting life settle down.
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    Just wanted to chime in on what a good thread this is.. Although Im still trying to process every emotion imaginable (which is even worse on bedrest) I am very sadened that I won't get to experience surrogacy. I wanted so much to be a part of all this. :cry:


    Matched EDx5 for C & S 2010

  15. #35
    nina277 is offline 5/19th = hardest day ever
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    I do not mean to offend anyone who so nice has written about their experience but I will say that when I read this thread yesterday it scared the crap out of me.
    I mean I know that things can go wrong in surrogacy and that sometimes post birth contact does not end up being what you first expected but I guess just reading about all the feelings/sadness some of you girls have gone through it was very scary.
    I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was a GS last year and was never sad after. Not once did I cry, or left forgotten or missed the baby or my IPs. It was a VERY easy time for me and to think that this time it could be the opposite its scary.
    Of course I know being a GS is not the same as a TS and I went into this knowing that but I guess I just never thought it could be THAT different. Maybe some other GS have feelings more closely related to what is described here and I am just different who knows
    I am glad I kept reading though because I loved Holly’s posts and to know that it is possible to have an all around happy ending is very encouraging.
    I can not contribute much to this post at this time but I promises to come back and post after I deliver. One thing I can say is for TS to talk to your IPs about your fears and thoughts. I know it is hard because you do not want to worry your IPs (I know I don’t I try to keep everything to myself). And IPs be willing to listen.
    I have the BEST IFs ever and they now know just how I feel and I know we will TOGETHER make sure we ALL have a great experience. I think honesty and openness is of outmost importance in a TS journey.


    I have alternating siggys ;-)

    Thanks Sunny and Kakaji:HEARTSMIL

  16. #36
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    Well, I hope I didn't scare anyone with my post. Like I said, I wouldn't change the journey for the world. I do not regret any part of this for a second. NO WAY! Post-birth contact is not what was promised and then what I expected (we talked about it, I told them many times what I wanted and they confirmed they'd do just that and then some!), no. But goodness, I am a very lucky surro mama. :D
    TS x 3 - 03/08, 06/10 & 06/12

  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by nina277 View Post
    I do not mean to offend anyone who so nice has written about their experience but I will say that when I read this thread yesterday it scared the crap out of me.
    I mean I know that things can go wrong in surrogacy and that sometimes post birth contact does not end up being what you first expected but I guess just reading about all the feelings/sadness some of you girls have gone through it was very scary.
    I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was a GS last year and was never sad after. Not once did I cry, or left forgotten or missed the baby or my IPs. It was a VERY easy time for me and to think that this time it could be the opposite its scary.
    Of course I know being a GS is not the same as a TS and I went into this knowing that but I guess I just never thought it could be THAT different. Maybe some other GS have feelings more closely related to what is described here and I am just different who knows
    I am glad I kept reading though because I loved Holly’s posts and to know that it is possible to have an all around happy ending is very encouraging.
    I can not contribute much to this post at this time but I promises to come back and post after I deliver. One thing I can say is for TS to talk to your IPs about your fears and thoughts. I know it is hard because you do not want to worry your IPs (I know I don’t I try to keep everything to myself). And IPs be willing to listen.
    I have the BEST IFs ever and they now know just how I feel and I know we will TOGETHER make sure we ALL have a great experience. I think honesty and openness is of outmost importance in a TS journey.
    I didn't intend this thread to scare anyone. But I do know that a lot of TS's out there have been hurt. That's not to say that we regret being TS's in the first place. I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that I was able to do this and bring two beautiful little girls into the arms of their daddies. It makes me so happy! But for many surros, the transition is really painful. It's not talked about here on SMO very much. IP's that want to ask don't know how and surros don't want to make the IP's uncomfortable. I started this with the intention of having some place for IP's to read and TS's to post suggestions.

    Helping gay men become daddies since 2006!
    My beautiful surro-babies are not missing from my life . . . they are completeing someone else's.

  18. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by nina277 View Post
    I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was a GS last year and was never sad after. Not once did I cry, or left forgotten or missed the baby or my IPs. It was a VERY easy time for me and to think that this time it could be the opposite its scary.
    Of course I know being a GS is not the same as a TS and I went into this knowing that but I guess I just never thought it could be THAT different. Maybe some other GS have feelings more closely related to what is described here and I am just different who knows
    I've been on a SMO-hiatus, but Wendy linked me to her thread, so I wanted to respond. I'm a GS who can well relate to much of what the TSs here have posted. And -- that -- part -- sucks. :(

    I agree with what others have said: don't forget your surromom! Call her, text her, send her photos, e-mail her, let her visit with you and the babe. Take a trip to visit her, if you don't live far. Let her know she's welcome to visit you. Invite her to your baby's 1st birthday party. Even if she lives across the world and can't possibly attend, getting an invite will mean beyond the world to her.

    DON'T GET TOO BUSY FOR YOUR SURROMOM BECAUSE WITHOUT HER, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE THE REASON YOU'RE "TOO BUSY" IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    Don't make promises you can't or don't intend to keep. Keep the promises you do make.

    Remember always that your surromom is a human being, just like you, and that she has feelings, just like you. Sometimes, these feelings aren't something she's anticipated. Surrogacy is not a bed of roses. It can be unbelievably painful for some surrogates. Honor the gift your surromom has given you by keeping her a part of your life.

    Proud milk donor since 04/11/08 for my surroson, my milk baby,
    & my milk baby's in-utero sibling-to-be! 20+ months of EPing now! :spin:

  19. #39
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    Personally - I think people considering becoming a TS should be scared a little. Only when they realize it might hurt a lot can they truly be prepared for that pain and the parting. Then, if it doesn't hurt so bad and the IPs are great they can be surprised. It's better than having them not prepared and then denouncing surrogacy because no one warned them.
    "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."

  20. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by nina277 View Post
    I do not mean to offend anyone who so nice has written about their experience but I will say that when I read this thread yesterday it scared the crap out of me.
    I mean I know that things can go wrong in surrogacy and that sometimes post birth contact does not end up being what you first expected but I guess just reading about all the feelings/sadness some of you girls have gone through it was very scary.
    I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was a GS last year and was never sad after. Not once did I cry, or left forgotten or missed the baby or my IPs. It was a VERY easy time for me and to think that this time it could be the opposite its scary.
    Of course I know being a GS is not the same as a TS and I went into this knowing that but I guess I just never thought it could be THAT different. Maybe some other GS have feelings more closely related to what is described here and I am just different who knows
    I am glad I kept reading though because I loved Holly’s posts and to know that it is possible to have an all around happy ending is very encouraging.
    I can not contribute much to this post at this time but I promises to come back and post after I deliver. One thing I can say is for TS to talk to your IPs about your fears and thoughts. I know it is hard because you do not want to worry your IPs (I know I don’t I try to keep everything to myself). And IPs be willing to listen.
    I have the BEST IFs ever and they now know just how I feel and I know we will TOGETHER make sure we ALL have a great experience. I think honesty and openness is of outmost importance in a TS journey.
    Heidi,

    I hope my experiences haven't scared you. It's not how I want you or any other TS to feel. You hit on the most important part of any TS journey, talking. There is no way to stress that enough. Lack of communication is exactly what doomed my relationship with my FIPs. Had my FIM just talked to me, it didn't have to end the way it did. Had she simply talked I would have moved heaven and earth for that woman. If she had said "Shannon paint the moon purple with green polka dots" I would have tried to find a way to do it for her. But she didn't. She chose instead to shut me out. We as surros cannot work as part of the team if we're not given the chance. There are feelings on both sides which can and do surprise both surro and IP. I don't think a single surro on here is so heartless she would refuse to talk to her IPs for a solution that works for everyone. If her IPs tell her they need some time to adjust, are feeling _____, I bet she'd work with them so the relationship can be saved. Sadly I think many IPs choose not to talk about these things. Instead they shut her out to avoid these difficult conversations. Then everyone is left with a sour taste about the journey. There is no fixing left for my first journey but hopefully someone else can learn from where I've been.

    My problem is not finding the words, it's keeping my mouth shut!

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