Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A: I'm about to be an AI surrogate..and though I have no problems with what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I realize others might. Can you give me some answers you might say when someone says, "Why are you selling your own baby??" ...or "How can you give up a baby??" ...or "You're sinning!" ...or "Why can't they adopt??" or even from family members who say "You're giving away a member of our family??" Sometimes I'm not quick with the good answers as I'd like to be. I'd like to know what others have done in similiar situations with disapproving people. - <A HREF="mailto:inkybater4ip@hotmail.com">Carla</A> in Laredo

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Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A

Q & A: Telling Others

Topics may include explaining surrogacy or egg donation to children, who to share the news with, dealing with those who disapprove, etc.

5. I'm about to be an AI surrogate..and though I have no problems with what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I realize others might. Can you give me some answers you might say when someone says, "Why are you selling your own baby??" ...or "How can you give up a baby??" ...or "You're sinning!" ...or "Why can't they adopt??" or even from family members who say "You're giving away a member of our family??" Sometimes I'm not quick with the good answers as I'd like to be. I'd like to know what others have done in similiar situations with disapproving people. - Carla in Laredo - Top

Dear Carla,

Sometimes dealing with the comments of ignorant and idiotic people can be extremely stressful. My incidents that I am going to share with you aren't meant to scare you. Please, just realize that these may be things you hear and maybe my reaction can help you have a great rebuttle. I would like to encourage you to join the listserve provided by Jenn Z. here on the SMO area. It has members totaling over 150. And there are AI surrogates and GS surrogates, AI intended parents and GS intended parents the support is vast.

While I was pregnant with my surrogate daughter, I was told "I was going to hell." My rebuttle was, "I guess I'll be in good company." If I am sinning, then I think I am in great company. And why is it sinning? Having a child for a man, woman, or couple, is not a sin...it's a gift. Was not Mary a surrogate mother for G-D? She gave of herself to have a child for a man, so he could have a son. I know that rebuttle is extreme but it has worked to shut my sister up. She's a Christian conservative.

"How can you give up your baby?" First, its not yours. Make that point clear. That baby is someone else's. And you know from before that child is born that it's the intended parents gift. So explain your couple has wanted this child for 15 years and ask why should I keep their baby. Throw back a question.

"Why are you selling your baby?" I would just state you're not selling the baby. State again it's not your baby. And I would make it very firm that money will not be discussed. My father-in-law brought this up about a week ago and it was a good brawl in our house. Money should never be an issue and when it's brought up with me I just leave. I don't even continue talking.

"You're giving up a family member." I use the "look at our society". Does it not illustrate that genetics don't make a family? Look around. Look at all of the fathers and mothers that abandon their children. And just because you don't have that child living with you doesn't mean it won't be with you everday. I have a picture of my surrogate daughter hanging on my wall and I carry her memory and wishes everyday in my heart.

As for the adoption issue, "Why don't they adopt?". That would be great if adoption were easier and if just anyone could have a child to love. If birth mothers wouldn't change their minds and put fear into the hearts of prospective parents. My IF is a single, gay man, in his 40's and he was told because of those factors he couldn't adopt. So surrogacy was his last option.

Good Luck to you and keep me posted. If you ever have any other questions email me anytime JenniferS@SurromomsOnline.com.

-Jennifer
AI SM - Updated: February 13, 2000
Topics may include explaining surrogacy or egg donation to children, who to share the news with, dealing with those who disapprove, etc.

5. I'm about to be an AI surrogate..and though I have no problems with what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I realize others might. Can you give me some answers you might say when someone says, "Why are you selling your own baby??" ...or "How can you give up a baby??" ...or "You're sinning!" ...or "Why can't they adopt??" or even from family members who say "You're giving away a member of our family??" Sometimes I'm not quick with the good answers as I'd like to be. I'd like to know what others have done in similiar situations with disapproving people. - Carla in Laredo - Top: Dear Carla,

Sometimes dealing with the comments of ignorant and idiotic people can be extremely stressful. My incidents that I am going to share with you aren't meant to scare you. Please, just realize that these may be things you hear and maybe my reaction can help you have a great rebuttle. I would like to encourage you to join the listserve provided by Jenn Z. here on the SMO area. It has members totaling over 150. And there are AI surrogates and GS surrogates, AI intended parents and GS intended parents the support is vast.

While I was pregnant with my surrogate daughter, I was told "I was going to hell." My rebuttle was, "I guess I'll be in good company." If I am sinning, then I think I am in great company. And why is it sinning? Having a child for a man, woman, or couple, is not a sin...it's a gift. Was not Mary a surrogate mother for G-D? She gave of herself to have a child for a man, so he could have a son. I know that rebuttle is extreme but it has worked to shut my sister up. She's a Christian conservative.

"How can you give up your baby?" First, its not yours. Make that point clear. That baby is someone else's. And you know from before that child is born that it's the intended parents gift. So explain your couple has wanted this child for 15 years and ask why should I keep their baby. Throw back a question.

"Why are you selling your baby?" I would just state you're not selling the baby. State again it's not your baby. And I would make it very firm that money will not be discussed. My father-in-law brought this up about a week ago and it was a good brawl in our house. Money should never be an issue and when it's brought up with me I just leave. I don't even continue talking.

"You're giving up a family member." I use the "look at our society". Does it not illustrate that genetics don't make a family? Look around. Look at all of the fathers and mothers that abandon their children. And just because you don't have that child living with you doesn't mean it won't be with you everday. I have a picture of my surrogate daughter hanging on my wall and I carry her memory and wishes everyday in my heart.

As for the adoption issue, "Why don't they adopt?". That would be great if adoption were easier and if just anyone could have a child to love. If birth mothers wouldn't change their minds and put fear into the hearts of prospective parents. My IF is a single, gay man, in his 40's and he was told because of those factors he couldn't adopt. So surrogacy was his last option.

Good Luck to you and keep me posted. If you ever have any other questions email me anytime JenniferS@SurromomsOnline.com.

-Jennifer
AI SM - Updated: February 13, 2000

Unless stated otherwise, all responses in the SMO Q&A are courtesy of one or more of the following hosts:

Sherry - Experienced gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement

Linda - New Mommy to twins born via gestational surrogacy and egg donation

Jennifer S. - Experienced AI surrogate

Lynn - New Mommy to a daughter born via traditional surrogacy

Tracie - 5 time egg donor (triplets, 2 sets of twins and 2 singletons) and 3 time surrogate (2-AI, 1-IVF).

Lisa - Experienced egg donor and previous gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement (Lisa was our former ED host, prior to July 1999.)
Disclaimer: Responses from SMO Q&A Hosts do not necessarily represent the opinions and ideas of SMO. Neither the Q&A hosts nor SMO guarantee the accuracy or completeness of any information contained in the responses given here. As such, neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts are responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of such information. Neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts shall be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly by the information or ideas contained, suggested, or referenced in these responses.

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