Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A: My husband is concerned that if I were to be a GS and the genetic mother and father divorced before the child was born or if they decided they did not want it then what would happen and wouldn't I feel morally responsible for the child. have you ever heard of this happening? Any suggestions on what to tell my husband ? Also - I could realy use some input on how to help my husband understand my desire to be a GS. I have read a lot of what's on the web page and shared it all with him, but it's not enough. Help!! - <a href="mailto:kwimpy@fuse.net">Kris</a> in OH

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Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A

Q & A: Telling Others

Topics may include explaining surrogacy or egg donation to children, who to share the news with, dealing with those who disapprove, etc.

6. My husband is concerned that if I were to be a GS and the genetic mother and father divorced before the child was born or if they decided they did not want it then what would happen and wouldn't I feel morally responsible for the child. have you ever heard of this happening? Any suggestions on what to tell my husband ? Also - I could realy use some input on how to help my husband understand my desire to be a GS. I have read a lot of what's on the web page and shared it all with him, but it's not enough. Help!! - Kris in OH - Top

Dear Kris and DH (darling husband),

Kris, you need to make sure that those points are taken care of in your contract. And if you want to add, then ask to have the babies put up for adoption. But I would consult the attorney who is looking over your contract.

I have never heard of this happening. But I do know of a case where a couple only wanted one of a twin and then the surrogate got custody of them.

I would tell your DH that it can all be taken care of in the contracts and if you'd like your DH to talk to my DH just send a message to the email and I will give it to my DH.

I can't help you here. But I don't think my DH understands my want to help another couple either. He understands and supports me. If you'd like to call me and DH so they can talk, again, just drop me a line.

-Jennifer
AI SM

Kris,

First of all if your husband is not behind your being a surrogate 100% then do not try it. You will be depending on him SO much when you are going through everything that his support is vital.

Now as for his fears of the IP's divorcing before you deliver you can tell him that all of that is covered in the contract before you even get PG. In our contract it discusses what happens in case one or both of us die, if we divorce, or become disabled. The baby is still our responsibility as would be the case for you also. If they were to decide for what ever reason (I find that hard to believe) that they did not want the child it would be up to them to place the child for adoption. It would not be your problem or concern.

The only 2 issues I am aware of are: One case where a single man hired an SM and very much wanted a boy and when the baby turned out to be a girl he refused to take her. Since it was AI the SM and her DH decided to keep the child. The second case was a GS who became pregnant for a couple who used both donor egg and donor sperm. The couple divorced before the child was born and the IF refused to pay the IM child support. The IM wanted the child and kept her but the IF did not want to be named as her father. The courts decided he was her father.

I seriously doubt that someone would go to all the trouble and expense to have a baby via GS and then decide not to keep it, but there are always a few odd balls out there. Tell your DH that you only want to work with someone that you and he can get to know well and then it will be easier for you both to see what having a child means to them.

As for explaining why you want to do this, that may be a little hard. Sometimes men do not understand our maternal urges, and I feel surrogacy is another of those urges. The only suggestion I can make is to ask him if he would want someone to do this for the two of you if you could not have children. Maybe that will get him thinking.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Lynn

Usually the contract covers this. The intended parents have to agree that no matter what, this child is their's -- even if donor egg/sperm are used. There
was a case similar to this in CA recently where the Intended Mom and Intended Father got separated prior to the child's birth. Since BOTH donor egg AND
donor sperm were used, the intended father was claiming the child was not his and therefore an orphan, and felt he was not responsible to pay for any child support for the resulting baby. The CA courts upheld the contract he had signed stating that for all intents and purposes, even though this was a donor
embryo, that he WAS responsible and had to pay because he had signed the contract stating such.

Your contract should also cover who has guardianship/custody of the child(ren) in case the intended parents both die.

((Also - I could really use some input on how to help my husband understand my desire to be a GS. I have read a lot of what's on the web page and shared it all with him, but it's not enough. Help!!))

What IS your reason for wanting to be a GS? Do you have a close friend/relative who has experienced severe infertility? Do you have such great pregnancies that you wouldn't mind helping someone out who can't do it on their own? Is it important for you to feel as if you have made a tremendous difference in someone's life? Tell him from your heart why you're
doing this. If he still doesn't understand, it may be just because men aren't usually as empathetic as women are to other's suffering. But, unless your husband is agreeable to your being a surrogate and supportive of you during the process, I would not proceed. Husband's are an important part of the process -- after all, they're the ones who rub your back in the middle of the night, give you a break from the cooking/cleaning/babysitting, etc. when you need it. Going it alone is too tough a road to travel.

Linda - Updated: February 13, 2000
Topics may include explaining surrogacy or egg donation to children, who to share the news with, dealing with those who disapprove, etc.

6. My husband is concerned that if I were to be a GS and the genetic mother and father divorced before the child was born or if they decided they did not want it then what would happen and wouldn't I feel morally responsible for the child. have you ever heard of this happening? Any suggestions on what to tell my husband ? Also - I could realy use some input on how to help my husband understand my desire to be a GS. I have read a lot of what's on the web page and shared it all with him, but it's not enough. Help!! - Kris in OH - Top: Dear Kris and DH (darling husband),

Kris, you need to make sure that those points are taken care of in your contract. And if you want to add, then ask to have the babies put up for adoption. But I would consult the attorney who is looking over your contract.

I have never heard of this happening. But I do know of a case where a couple only wanted one of a twin and then the surrogate got custody of them.

I would tell your DH that it can all be taken care of in the contracts and if you'd like your DH to talk to my DH just send a message to the email and I will give it to my DH.

I can't help you here. But I don't think my DH understands my want to help another couple either. He understands and supports me. If you'd like to call me and DH so they can talk, again, just drop me a line.

-Jennifer
AI SM

Kris,

First of all if your husband is not behind your being a surrogate 100% then do not try it. You will be depending on him SO much when you are going through everything that his support is vital.

Now as for his fears of the IP's divorcing before you deliver you can tell him that all of that is covered in the contract before you even get PG. In our contract it discusses what happens in case one or both of us die, if we divorce, or become disabled. The baby is still our responsibility as would be the case for you also. If they were to decide for what ever reason (I find that hard to believe) that they did not want the child it would be up to them to place the child for adoption. It would not be your problem or concern.

The only 2 issues I am aware of are: One case where a single man hired an SM and very much wanted a boy and when the baby turned out to be a girl he refused to take her. Since it was AI the SM and her DH decided to keep the child. The second case was a GS who became pregnant for a couple who used both donor egg and donor sperm. The couple divorced before the child was born and the IF refused to pay the IM child support. The IM wanted the child and kept her but the IF did not want to be named as her father. The courts decided he was her father.

I seriously doubt that someone would go to all the trouble and expense to have a baby via GS and then decide not to keep it, but there are always a few odd balls out there. Tell your DH that you only want to work with someone that you and he can get to know well and then it will be easier for you both to see what having a child means to them.

As for explaining why you want to do this, that may be a little hard. Sometimes men do not understand our maternal urges, and I feel surrogacy is another of those urges. The only suggestion I can make is to ask him if he would want someone to do this for the two of you if you could not have children. Maybe that will get him thinking.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Lynn

Usually the contract covers this. The intended parents have to agree that no matter what, this child is their's -- even if donor egg/sperm are used. There
was a case similar to this in CA recently where the Intended Mom and Intended Father got separated prior to the child's birth. Since BOTH donor egg AND
donor sperm were used, the intended father was claiming the child was not his and therefore an orphan, and felt he was not responsible to pay for any child support for the resulting baby. The CA courts upheld the contract he had signed stating that for all intents and purposes, even though this was a donor
embryo, that he WAS responsible and had to pay because he had signed the contract stating such.

Your contract should also cover who has guardianship/custody of the child(ren) in case the intended parents both die.

((Also - I could really use some input on how to help my husband understand my desire to be a GS. I have read a lot of what's on the web page and shared it all with him, but it's not enough. Help!!))

What IS your reason for wanting to be a GS? Do you have a close friend/relative who has experienced severe infertility? Do you have such great pregnancies that you wouldn't mind helping someone out who can't do it on their own? Is it important for you to feel as if you have made a tremendous difference in someone's life? Tell him from your heart why you're
doing this. If he still doesn't understand, it may be just because men aren't usually as empathetic as women are to other's suffering. But, unless your husband is agreeable to your being a surrogate and supportive of you during the process, I would not proceed. Husband's are an important part of the process -- after all, they're the ones who rub your back in the middle of the night, give you a break from the cooking/cleaning/babysitting, etc. when you need it. Going it alone is too tough a road to travel.

Linda - Updated: February 13, 2000

Unless stated otherwise, all responses in the SMO Q&A are courtesy of one or more of the following hosts:

Sherry - Experienced gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement

Linda - New Mommy to twins born via gestational surrogacy and egg donation

Jennifer S. - Experienced AI surrogate

Lynn - New Mommy to a daughter born via traditional surrogacy

Tracie - 5 time egg donor (triplets, 2 sets of twins and 2 singletons) and 3 time surrogate (2-AI, 1-IVF).

Lisa - Experienced egg donor and previous gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement (Lisa was our former ED host, prior to July 1999.)
Disclaimer: Responses from SMO Q&A Hosts do not necessarily represent the opinions and ideas of SMO. Neither the Q&A hosts nor SMO guarantee the accuracy or completeness of any information contained in the responses given here. As such, neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts are responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of such information. Neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts shall be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly by the information or ideas contained, suggested, or referenced in these responses.

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