Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A: I was a gestational surrogate who gave birth to twins in March of 1999. My relationship with the genetic parents had its ups and downs, but we ended on the most wonderful note when they left the hospital with their two beautiful and healthy babies. We had agreed to exchange letters with pictures on Christmas and birthdays. Still, much to my delight, they sent me pictures about a month or so after the birth -- and some more a few months later after I wrote them. Shortly after that second set of pictures I became pregnant with my own child. I wrote to relay the news, and then called them. I was so excited and wanted to share the good news over the phone. They weren't home. I left a message -- and three more messages after that. All went unreturned. Finally the intermediary we had all worked through called to tell me that they preferred to keep our relationship to the original cards/letters/pictures at Christmas and birthdays. I'm not sure I feel angry about the lack of communications post-delivery -- perhaps miffed is a better descriptor. I guess I expected a different pattern of interaction and find it hard to understand why our relationship has changed. I feel cold-shouldered to some extent. I know that initially we did agree to twice a year contact. But then we seemed to get along so well - and after living through such an intimate experience - I guess I just figured our relationship had grown into something more than just twice a year contact. I felt we had become friends. To be fair, I did stop talking to them for two months prior to the birth. Maybe they're upset about that. The pregnancy was going really well -- I didn't need to be on bed rest and I delivered almost full term. But I was so uncomfortable carrying the babies during those last two months (tired, leg cramps, etc.) and I just didn't want to speak with them directly. I was afraid I'd sound unhappy, maybe even crabby on the phone. I still let them know how the pregnancy was going. After each doctors appointment I'd call our intermediary and she would call them with updates. And then when I finally did give birth - everything was so wonderful in the hospital. They were so grateful and gave me no reason to think they had been upset with my not calling them directly over the last two months. So I'm still puzzled (and disappointed) as to how things have turned out. I'm interested in hearing some objective thoughts -- some honest feedback. Am I expecting too much from the genetic parents? -- invading their privacy, not giving them space, etc. Should I try to contact them again??? Help. I'm confused and feeling a bit hurt - <a href="mailto:blima60@hotmail.com">Janie</a>

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Surrogate Mothers Online Q & A

Q & A: Relationship Issues

Topics may include contact, trust, respect, communication, etc.

1. I was a gestational surrogate who gave birth to twins in March of 1999. My relationship with the genetic parents had its ups and downs, but we ended on the most wonderful note when they left the hospital with their two beautiful and healthy babies. We had agreed to exchange letters with pictures on Christmas and birthdays. Still, much to my delight, they sent me pictures about a month or so after the birth -- and some more a few months later after I wrote them. Shortly after that second set of pictures I became pregnant with my own child. I wrote to relay the news, and then called them. I was so excited and wanted to share the good news over the phone. They weren't home. I left a message -- and three more messages after that. All went unreturned. Finally the intermediary we had all worked through called to tell me that they preferred to keep our relationship to the original cards/letters/pictures at Christmas and birthdays.

I'm not sure I feel angry about the lack of communications post-delivery -- perhaps miffed is a better descriptor. I guess I expected a different pattern of interaction and find it hard to understand why our relationship has changed. I feel cold-shouldered to some extent.

I know that initially we did agree to twice a year contact. But then we seemed to get along so well - and after living through such an intimate experience - I guess I just figured our relationship had grown into something more than just twice a year contact. I felt we had become friends.

To be fair, I did stop talking to them for two months prior to the birth. Maybe they're upset about that. The pregnancy was going really well -- I didn't need to be on bed rest and I delivered almost full term. But I was so uncomfortable carrying the babies during those last two months (tired, leg cramps, etc.) and I just didn't want to speak with them directly. I was afraid I'd sound unhappy, maybe even crabby on the phone. I still let them know how the pregnancy was going. After each doctors appointment I'd call our intermediary and she would call them with updates. And then when I finally did give birth - everything was so wonderful in the hospital. They were so grateful and gave me no reason to think they had been upset with my not calling them directly over the last two months. So I'm still puzzled (and disappointed) as to how things have turned out.

I'm interested in hearing some objective thoughts -- some honest feedback. Am I expecting too much from the genetic parents? -- invading their privacy, not giving them space, etc. Should I try to contact them again??? Help. I'm confused and feeling a bit hurt - Janie - Top

Janie,

We have 15 month old boy/girl twins via surrogacy. We also agreed to exchange notes and pictures in our contract. It felt strange when we first took our babies home to switch from daily phone calls (throughout the pregnancy) to less and less contact. Now we talk about once every 3 months.

I cannot pretend to know what your IPs are thinking/feeling, but it is possible they were upset with you for cutting off contact. I know I would have been very upset with that. Maybe they just feel they need the emotional distance that notes and picture only contact gives (like in open adoption cases). Maybe they need some time to feel secure in their parenthood.

I would respect their wishes though and keep contact to what everyone agreed to. Maybe sometime in the future they will change their minds. I'm sorry that they don't feel they can have a deeper relationship right now.

Hugs,

Linda P
Mom to boy/girl GS/DE twins - Updated: March 14, 2000
Topics may include contact, trust, respect, communication, etc.

1. I was a gestational surrogate who gave birth to twins in March of 1999. My relationship with the genetic parents had its ups and downs, but we ended on the most wonderful note when they left the hospital with their two beautiful and healthy babies. We had agreed to exchange letters with pictures on Christmas and birthdays. Still, much to my delight, they sent me pictures about a month or so after the birth -- and some more a few months later after I wrote them. Shortly after that second set of pictures I became pregnant with my own child. I wrote to relay the news, and then called them. I was so excited and wanted to share the good news over the phone. They weren't home. I left a message -- and three more messages after that. All went unreturned. Finally the intermediary we had all worked through called to tell me that they preferred to keep our relationship to the original cards/letters/pictures at Christmas and birthdays.

I'm not sure I feel angry about the lack of communications post-delivery -- perhaps miffed is a better descriptor. I guess I expected a different pattern of interaction and find it hard to understand why our relationship has changed. I feel cold-shouldered to some extent.

I know that initially we did agree to twice a year contact. But then we seemed to get along so well - and after living through such an intimate experience - I guess I just figured our relationship had grown into something more than just twice a year contact. I felt we had become friends.

To be fair, I did stop talking to them for two months prior to the birth. Maybe they're upset about that. The pregnancy was going really well -- I didn't need to be on bed rest and I delivered almost full term. But I was so uncomfortable carrying the babies during those last two months (tired, leg cramps, etc.) and I just didn't want to speak with them directly. I was afraid I'd sound unhappy, maybe even crabby on the phone. I still let them know how the pregnancy was going. After each doctors appointment I'd call our intermediary and she would call them with updates. And then when I finally did give birth - everything was so wonderful in the hospital. They were so grateful and gave me no reason to think they had been upset with my not calling them directly over the last two months. So I'm still puzzled (and disappointed) as to how things have turned out.

I'm interested in hearing some objective thoughts -- some honest feedback. Am I expecting too much from the genetic parents? -- invading their privacy, not giving them space, etc. Should I try to contact them again??? Help. I'm confused and feeling a bit hurt - Janie - Top: Janie,

We have 15 month old boy/girl twins via surrogacy. We also agreed to exchange notes and pictures in our contract. It felt strange when we first took our babies home to switch from daily phone calls (throughout the pregnancy) to less and less contact. Now we talk about once every 3 months.

I cannot pretend to know what your IPs are thinking/feeling, but it is possible they were upset with you for cutting off contact. I know I would have been very upset with that. Maybe they just feel they need the emotional distance that notes and picture only contact gives (like in open adoption cases). Maybe they need some time to feel secure in their parenthood.

I would respect their wishes though and keep contact to what everyone agreed to. Maybe sometime in the future they will change their minds. I'm sorry that they don't feel they can have a deeper relationship right now.

Hugs,

Linda P
Mom to boy/girl GS/DE twins - Updated: March 14, 2000

Unless stated otherwise, all responses in the SMO Q&A are courtesy of one or more of the following hosts:

Sherry - Experienced gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement

Linda - New Mommy to twins born via gestational surrogacy and egg donation

Jennifer S. - Experienced AI surrogate

Lynn - New Mommy to a daughter born via traditional surrogacy

Tracie - 5 time egg donor (triplets, 2 sets of twins and 2 singletons) and 3 time surrogate (2-AI, 1-IVF).

Lisa - Experienced egg donor and previous gestational surrogate currently working on her 2nd surrogacy arrangement (Lisa was our former ED host, prior to July 1999.)
Disclaimer: Responses from SMO Q&A Hosts do not necessarily represent the opinions and ideas of SMO. Neither the Q&A hosts nor SMO guarantee the accuracy or completeness of any information contained in the responses given here. As such, neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts are responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of such information. Neither SMO nor the Q&A hosts shall be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly by the information or ideas contained, suggested, or referenced in these responses.

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